Success is Hollow.

"Success is a hollow goal."  I read that yesterday and conviction fell upon me. Over the years, I've spent a lot of time wrestling God with the plans I have for myself and the plans He has for me. The more I let go, the easier it gets but there are still days and nights where my earthly desires creep in leaving me unsatisfied.

I love photography but I have to be really careful with it. As weird as it may sound, it is a very consuming job that can easily suck you in if you aren't on guard. The digital era of photography has played a large hand in instant gratification. I take a photo. I quickly edit it. I post it. I get compliments. I feel pride. I want more. I'm always looking to the next shoot. Always hoping for the next publication. Always wanting to keep up with the trends and hoard the best gear. I look at others and compare. I begin to take dry periods personally. If I don't get business, I must be a bad photographer. It's a mix of approval, fame, recognition, false identity, respect, pride, arrogance all wrapped into one ugly ball.  I don't know if other photographers deal with the same heart issues but up until a little after I had Kaiden, this was me and I didn't like the person I had become. I began to realize that the harder I pushed myself the more I lost the part of me that started this job in the first place.

The craziest thing is, when I look at some of the most successful photographers, I see that even they are not satisfied. They still want more. We are all climbing a never ending ladder.

Success is a hollow goal, people. 


Taken from an article I read yesterday . . .

The thing that disturbs me lately is that it seems we've made the goal something else all together. We think the goal [in life] is growing our churches to a certain size or our platforms (pulpits, blogs, books) to a certain fame. How hollow is that? And, how dangerous? Here are a few men who loved our great God and King and were obedient beyond the norm:

• Moses spends his whole life with grumbling whiners and dies without getting to walk into the promised land.
• Samson suicide bombs the Philistines, and when the dust settles, he is dead and the Philistines still rule over Israel.
• One of David's sons rapes his sister and another leads a rebellion against him, dethroning him for a season.
• Jeremiah ends up in exile with the rest of the country after repeatedly getting beaten for preaching what God commanded him to preach.
• John the Baptizer is beheaded by a pervert who gives his head to a 15-year-old stripper.
• Peter is killed, reportedly crucified upside down.
• Paul is killed in Rome but only after he spends his life (with thorn intact) being beaten, rejected, lost at sea, and consistently dealing with people coming in behind him and destroying what he built.

These are some of the Bible's most praised characters and yet their lives didn't reflect the worldly success we view today. Aside from my lame photographer issues, this can be translated into so much more! Do you desire success within your career? your community? even your church? your circle of friends? Who is the audience you are living for? Let me repeat that. Who is the audience you are living for? I've spent so much of my life searching for approval from others. I'm sure I could blame the insecurity on a string of life events, but the fact of the matter is apart from Him I.Am.Nothing. When I view life with an eternal perspective I realize how foolish I was to believe Satan's lie that this earthly success is so important. It is fleeting and it will never satisfy. Tonight was a night that I needed to remind myself this. Every single day I am challenged to keep my eyes on the prize. When I really look at my heart, I am disgusted by what I find but am overwhelmed by the grace God has given me. Photography is a beautiful thing. God has gifted me with an ability to capture life and has blessed me with the tools to do so. I write all this to publicly testify the work He is doing in and through me. With His strength, I refuse to abuse this gift. 

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is , there your heart will be also.  -- Matthew 6:19-21

So whatever you do, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. -- 1 Corinthians 10:31

End of April Rambling.

The weather her has been particularly random. The past 3 days were a high of 86 which had my air conditioner running itself all day long. The days before that? Rain, rain, rain! And today? Wind galore. I don't understand it. 

I did a family session yesterday. I got some great shots but I'm reminded of how difficult they are. The little boy is a bit older than Kaiden so I was fully expecting tantrums, running away and a lack of cooperation haha. It was no different than trying to capture my son. I'm sure I'll be posting some of the pics sometime soon. In the meantime, you can check out a few on the fanpage.

My business website/blog will be officially down in a few days. It was time for me to renew (you have to renew for a year) but I honestly didn't want to front the money when I know that we will soon be in Germany and I won't be pursuing business for a little while. The plan is for me to take a year off but I doubt I will hold to that which is exactly why I haven't "officially" announced it. I'm sure after 6 months of living in Germany I will start getting antsy to get back to shooting. I still plan on shooting a ton but if anything, I'm going to focus more on personal work and spend the downtime honing my skills and better crafting my style. All this to say, I may start integrating more of my work onto this blog. I'm not sure yet...still praying about it. It's been difficult maintaining two blogs, so it would be nice to have it all on one...but at the same time, I'm not quite satisfied with how this blog looks. It's a free service, so I can complain and all the blogs I want start at $15/month and higher. We have a ton of other expenses that the money could go towards...if I have a free service than there is no point...at least at this point in my life :) I ramble.

I've been working on a personal album. It's all about Kaiden's first year. I've taken so many pictures that the world will never see and I'm finally getting around to collaging it all together. With E being gone for training, I've had a lot of time to work on it. It was going to be a surprise for him (for when he gets back) but I know it won't be done in time and I don't want to rush it. I haven't told him about it yet, so I may still surprise him. He does read my blog but he has been so busy with this school he is at that I for sure know he won't have time to see this!

Kaiden just woke from his nap. It's time to go build lego towers and drink apple juice.

Security.

Today I texted my mom the following:

Kaiden wants my attention all the time. If I take my eyes off of him, he gets upset. I always have to play by his side, he always wants me to hold him and cuddle and if I step out of the room, it seems as if he fears I will leave him. Is this normal lol? Even when E is holding him he follows me with his eyes. If something funny happens with E, he looks to see if I'm laughing too. I can tell he loves me a ton but I just want to make sure it's ok for him to be this dependent on me.

As I texted this to my mom, I felt bad saying he needs me too much, but a co-worker of E's said something the other day that caught my attention. I was in the office and I walked a few feet away to grab something and Kaiden immediately started crying. E's co worker said something like, "Boy, is he fearful!" It wasn't anything that offended me, it was just a detail (that has been in the back of my mind) brought to my attention. I explained how we have been taking him to endless doctor's appointments and such, but the word fearful really stood out to me. He does act afraid to not be with me.

My mom called me and asked why I was concerned. She explained it's perfectly normal and then she said words that struck my heart. You are his security. I know he loves to sleep with the blanket I knit him and I know he is comforted by drinking his milk, but I am his security. I am the one that protects him, feeds him and puts him to bed every night (and of course my husband too lol). I read him stories, play with him every day, laugh at his little, silly games. I take him everywhere with me and I'm always there when he cries. Hearing my mom re-emphasize all this really put things into perspective for me.

While in the church nursery, Kaiden will cry if he hears the end song being played and we haven't picked him up yet. When we are all sitting on the floor together and playing, he always takes my hand and take's my husband's hands to pull us closer together. If he wants my attention, he hangs around my legs and rubs his head like a little cat. It is clear how much he loves my husband and I and how much he craves our attention. The other day, I found this quote...

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff. (Catherine M. Wallace)


Kaiden may not be talking yet but he eagerly awaits my response when he builds a huge lego tower or when he puts a pillow on his head. He doesn't want me to miss a single detail and while at times it may be difficult for me to always pay attention, I am reminded that these little things are the big things and right now, I am his security.

Still Busy.

I feel overwhelmed. I've never had so many scheduled appointments in my life and I'm being forced into learning an independence I didn't know I have. E is gone for a few weeks and so I've been doing it all alone which hasn't been easy. It's difficult to take Kaiden from place to place and a lot of times I've had things scheduled in the middle of his nap time so he only has 30 minutes to sleep. This stuff has to be done, so I push though it but even when I'm home Kaiden desires my attention and I give it all to him because I feel bad that he's been dragged all around town. It scares me when I look at the clock and see that when I get home from one appointment, I have to feed and change Kaiden and then leave in another 15 minutes for the next. Despite the craziness, I'm at peace knowing that I will be able to hold my own when E gets deployed. Somehow there is a method to the madness and I always seem to make it everywhere on time, keep Kaiden happy and just have enough time to breathe. All this to say, please forgive me if I seem scattered or overwhelmed.

One of the appointments I had was a medical review for overseas clearance. I sat down in front of two doctors and they asked me questions about myself and Kaiden. This meeting covered the misunderstanding of Kaiden's speech delay. One of the doctor's apologized for how things unfolded but told me unfortunately, since his "delay" is in writing there is nothing we can do. All they can do now is send the files over to our gaining base in Germany and they will look it over and see if there is a program for Kaiden. I did look into it and there should be, but in the chance that they do not approve a plan for him we will have many issues...if you can think of it, please pray that the rest of this process goes smoothly. I'm not worried anymore because I can look back at my life and see how God has always worked things out for us (even if it always is last minute in my eyes lol).

I had a meeting tonight with a photography client interested in family portraits. I was so nervous (which looking back at it I don't know why I would be!) We met at Starbucks and immediately words started spilling out of my mouth about how I do things, why I do them and how I could turn their vision for portraits into tangible pictures...it's moments like that, that remind me to be confident in my craft. I have a genuine love for it and it shows so there should be no reason for anxiety.

I did decide to get a gym membership. Although it adds one more thing to my to do list each day, I'm glad I got it because I consider that me time. I tried out my first zumba class yesterday and I'm hooked! It's basically a dance fitness class to a wide variety of salsa beats. It's an hour long and although i'm sure I looked like a fool doing it, I definitely worked my leg muscles because I'm so sore today! It feels good to finally get back in the routine of working out again. Once again, I have more energy, I'm sleeping better and I'm in better moods.

Well, I'm sure there is more randomness I could write about but I need dinner and I'm ready for bed. Thanks to all who have mentioned to me that they are praying over me and my family. It's by God's grace I'm making it through these next few months! Once E gets back from his trip things will start moving much faster. Only 7 more weeks til we leave California....so crazy.

Kaiden's Speech Evaluation

Today was Kaiden's speech evaluation. I walked in and immediately felt bad for poor Kaiden. He hates being the center of attention and today he was greeted with 4 of the speech workers all saying "Hi Kaiden!" in a super friendly, little-kid like tone. He knows what that means and it's usually "mom's dropping me off at sunday school" or "mom's taking me to the doctor" and he doesn't like either. He sat on my lap and they kept presenting him with toy after toy, trying to get him to calm down. Kaiden finally warmed up to them somewhat (but had to stay by my side the entire time) and while he played I answered about a 100 questions. At first I didn't mind it, but I was bothered that they were all yes/no questions. "Does your son listen to you when you tell him to stop?" Yes. 
"Does your son play 'peek-a-boo' or 'patty-cake' with you?" Yes on peek-a-boo, no on patty cake. 
"Does your son respond to your voice with happy expressions when you converse with him?" Um, yes? If I'm telling him happy things...but if I'm telling him "Don't do that!" than obviously no. 
"Does your son point to his eyes or his nose?" His eyes, no. His nose, yes.  By the end of the questions I started to feel discouraged. All my answer's were "No...he doesn't speak in full sentences." "No, he doesn't join in me and my husband's conversations." No. No. No. I could feel my face blushing and I could tell my eyes swelling, ready to water all the frustration and overwhelming feelings I've slowly collected all week. "What kind of songs do you sing to your son? Does he sing back?" I don't sing him songs...why don't I sing him songs?!? I started to feel like a bad mom. I stay at home with him everyday and yet I've never thought to try and get him to sing.

The next portion they wanted to observe how we played and how we interacted. But it wasn't just him and I. There was another speech therapist playing too. So where I tried to insert my, "Can you hand that to me please?"'s she had already filled the talking space with, "Ball goes in!" "Green grapes!" and "Nom, nom, nom"'s. I heard the speech pathologist scribbling things down. What is she writing? You're really going to judge Kaiden's interaction with me based off this 5 minute playtime with a complete stranger interjecting every 2 seconds? I felt so uncomfortable and so overwhelmed. I'm like Kaiden...I don't like when the spotlight is on me and I don't like when I have to answer so many questions without much time to think. I just wanted to pick him up and leave.

Everyone keeps telling me not to worry because Kaiden is young and he is a boy and it's completely normal. I get that. I agree! I don't have a problem with the fact that he may be "delayed." However, I could immediately tell these therapists or pathologists (or whatever they are) thought otherwise. There was concern on their faces and their opinion is what gets put on paper and handed in with our final out-processing paperwork for the military. The entire time we were there he didn't say a single word. He said, "Ahhh" once, only because they wanted to take him into the next room and he didn't want to leave mommy. Of course, the minute we got home, he ran in the house and started chattering away. It's only baba's and ha-ha's for now but it's more than he showed them. The one thing I will say is that I know these appointments will give me a better idea of how to do things with him. The fact that I never thought to sing, astonishes me. When we got home I started singing "Wheels on the Bus" and he was laughing and having fun. I do need some direction in that regard. Another thing they encouraged me to do this week (before our next meeting) is to give him choices, like milk or water. This way he has to either verbalize or at least point to which one he prefers.

We also went to get his ears checked out today. I requested a different doctor than his primary one (which is actually only a nurse practitioner) and she got a great look in his ears and said there is absolutely no sign of infection...only a bit of fluid. She also said she wasn't concerned about his speech at all and that she would make a note of it in his file. I am so grateful for her evaluation and encouragement. I also want to say thank you to all the mom's that have reached out to me whose children have had delayed speech. It's a huge encouragement to know that is absolutely normal. This concludes our long week of appointments. Tomorrow I have one last meeting with a wedding client and then soon E leaves for some training.

Life Update: April

I mentioned in my previous post that we have been busy...well, we have.  I have been running around like crazy and it's even more difficult with a 16 month old that needs to be entertained, changed and fed throughout. Thankfully, the week is almost over. Here is a taste of the past week:
Last Friday: E's squadron picnic/easter egg hunt/garage sale prep
Saturday: Garage sale/E helped friend's move
Sunday: Church/Easter brunch
Monday: My final doctor appointment/passport photos appointment
Tuesday: Audiology appointment for Kaiden (40 minutes away)/Government passport appointment
Wednesday/TODAY: Civilian passport appointment
Thursday: Speech eval for Kaiden/ Ear infection appointment for Kaiden
Friday: TGIF!

I've updated my Facebook friends but I will write a little about it here. When we were at the doctor's office a few weeks ago (for Kaiden's regular checkup) I mentioned to our doctor that Kaiden doesn't say "mama" to me yet. He did once on Valentine's Day, and that was it. She suggested we send him to speech therapy and went ahead and put the order in. I just ignored it because I thought that we could opt not to do so, but as E has been doing his final out-processing paperwork (a stack of papers and documents you gather to leave this base), we discovered our status is pending because of our son's "Speech delay." For one thing, had I known he would be given a label before even being evaluated that would cause a bump in our process, I would have never opened my mouth in the first place. I don't want to even get started on our doctor....anyways, long story short I took him to his audiology appointment, and thankfully he passed with an "Adequate" status. Tomorrow is his speech evaluation so we'll see what the therapist says.

My camera and lens came in the mail! I was having issues in Hawaii but praise the Lord, all the issues have been repaired at no cost since they are both under warranty. If you would like, please check out a series of film pictures I took while we were there. I'm absolutely in love with film and can't wait to share more about that later.

I found a gym! My friend told me about a local gym that offers childcare for $10/month on top of membership fees while you workout. This is my second day on our free trial and I'm loving it. I was telling E that Kaiden has gotten so hyper and I need him to expel energy somewhere else besides our home. Since we don't have family and I'm literally with him 24/7, I find myself mentally worn and I need a break. He suggested I start working out again and so we tried this gym for the first time yesterday. What sells me is the childcare. All the workers know him by name and although he cries for the first few minutes, by the time I'm ready to pick him up he is playing with other kids and doesn't want to leave. It's so nice because I have some time to myself while doing something that is healthy, makes me feel better and can take my mind off of life's daily stresses.

We have about 9 weeks left here in California. Once June rolls around, things will be moving super fast. Movers will come in and take all of our stuff...our house will be rented out...I have one last wedding to shoot before I go...and then we are off. The next 4.5 months will be spent going between Wisconsin (home), Florida (where E is training) and Pennsylvania (in-laws). He graduates, Lord willing, in October and then we move to Germany. I'm excited for a new season in life but it's also bittersweet. It seriously feels like just yesterday when we moved to California. We were all bright eyed about the new sites to see and the new people we would meet.

Bussssssyyyy.

It's been crazy busy around our household. Yesterday was E's squadron picnic, today was our garage sale and tomorrow is church, an Easter egg hunt and brunch. I have an appointment on Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday. Both E and I haven't had a chance to catch our breath and I know when he gets back from his TDY (out of town work assignment) things will begin to move even faster.

I don't have much time to write, but I did want to leave you with one of our film picture's from Hawaii. I hope you all have a blessed Easter weekend!

Straight from the camera...no editing because it's film!!!