Success is Hollow.

"Success is a hollow goal."  I read that yesterday and conviction fell upon me. Over the years, I've spent a lot of time wrestling God with the plans I have for myself and the plans He has for me. The more I let go, the easier it gets but there are still days and nights where my earthly desires creep in leaving me unsatisfied.

I love photography but I have to be really careful with it. As weird as it may sound, it is a very consuming job that can easily suck you in if you aren't on guard. The digital era of photography has played a large hand in instant gratification. I take a photo. I quickly edit it. I post it. I get compliments. I feel pride. I want more. I'm always looking to the next shoot. Always hoping for the next publication. Always wanting to keep up with the trends and hoard the best gear. I look at others and compare. I begin to take dry periods personally. If I don't get business, I must be a bad photographer. It's a mix of approval, fame, recognition, false identity, respect, pride, arrogance all wrapped into one ugly ball.  I don't know if other photographers deal with the same heart issues but up until a little after I had Kaiden, this was me and I didn't like the person I had become. I began to realize that the harder I pushed myself the more I lost the part of me that started this job in the first place.

The craziest thing is, when I look at some of the most successful photographers, I see that even they are not satisfied. They still want more. We are all climbing a never ending ladder.

Success is a hollow goal, people. 


Taken from an article I read yesterday . . .

The thing that disturbs me lately is that it seems we've made the goal something else all together. We think the goal [in life] is growing our churches to a certain size or our platforms (pulpits, blogs, books) to a certain fame. How hollow is that? And, how dangerous? Here are a few men who loved our great God and King and were obedient beyond the norm:

• Moses spends his whole life with grumbling whiners and dies without getting to walk into the promised land.
• Samson suicide bombs the Philistines, and when the dust settles, he is dead and the Philistines still rule over Israel.
• One of David's sons rapes his sister and another leads a rebellion against him, dethroning him for a season.
• Jeremiah ends up in exile with the rest of the country after repeatedly getting beaten for preaching what God commanded him to preach.
• John the Baptizer is beheaded by a pervert who gives his head to a 15-year-old stripper.
• Peter is killed, reportedly crucified upside down.
• Paul is killed in Rome but only after he spends his life (with thorn intact) being beaten, rejected, lost at sea, and consistently dealing with people coming in behind him and destroying what he built.

These are some of the Bible's most praised characters and yet their lives didn't reflect the worldly success we view today. Aside from my lame photographer issues, this can be translated into so much more! Do you desire success within your career? your community? even your church? your circle of friends? Who is the audience you are living for? Let me repeat that. Who is the audience you are living for? I've spent so much of my life searching for approval from others. I'm sure I could blame the insecurity on a string of life events, but the fact of the matter is apart from Him I.Am.Nothing. When I view life with an eternal perspective I realize how foolish I was to believe Satan's lie that this earthly success is so important. It is fleeting and it will never satisfy. Tonight was a night that I needed to remind myself this. Every single day I am challenged to keep my eyes on the prize. When I really look at my heart, I am disgusted by what I find but am overwhelmed by the grace God has given me. Photography is a beautiful thing. God has gifted me with an ability to capture life and has blessed me with the tools to do so. I write all this to publicly testify the work He is doing in and through me. With His strength, I refuse to abuse this gift. 

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is , there your heart will be also.  -- Matthew 6:19-21

So whatever you do, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. -- 1 Corinthians 10:31

End of April Rambling.

The weather her has been particularly random. The past 3 days were a high of 86 which had my air conditioner running itself all day long. The days before that? Rain, rain, rain! And today? Wind galore. I don't understand it. 

I did a family session yesterday. I got some great shots but I'm reminded of how difficult they are. The little boy is a bit older than Kaiden so I was fully expecting tantrums, running away and a lack of cooperation haha. It was no different than trying to capture my son. I'm sure I'll be posting some of the pics sometime soon. In the meantime, you can check out a few on the fanpage.

My business website/blog will be officially down in a few days. It was time for me to renew (you have to renew for a year) but I honestly didn't want to front the money when I know that we will soon be in Germany and I won't be pursuing business for a little while. The plan is for me to take a year off but I doubt I will hold to that which is exactly why I haven't "officially" announced it. I'm sure after 6 months of living in Germany I will start getting antsy to get back to shooting. I still plan on shooting a ton but if anything, I'm going to focus more on personal work and spend the downtime honing my skills and better crafting my style. All this to say, I may start integrating more of my work onto this blog. I'm not sure yet...still praying about it. It's been difficult maintaining two blogs, so it would be nice to have it all on one...but at the same time, I'm not quite satisfied with how this blog looks. It's a free service, so I can complain and all the blogs I want start at $15/month and higher. We have a ton of other expenses that the money could go towards...if I have a free service than there is no point...at least at this point in my life :) I ramble.

I've been working on a personal album. It's all about Kaiden's first year. I've taken so many pictures that the world will never see and I'm finally getting around to collaging it all together. With E being gone for training, I've had a lot of time to work on it. It was going to be a surprise for him (for when he gets back) but I know it won't be done in time and I don't want to rush it. I haven't told him about it yet, so I may still surprise him. He does read my blog but he has been so busy with this school he is at that I for sure know he won't have time to see this!

Kaiden just woke from his nap. It's time to go build lego towers and drink apple juice.

Security.

Today I texted my mom the following:

Kaiden wants my attention all the time. If I take my eyes off of him, he gets upset. I always have to play by his side, he always wants me to hold him and cuddle and if I step out of the room, it seems as if he fears I will leave him. Is this normal lol? Even when E is holding him he follows me with his eyes. If something funny happens with E, he looks to see if I'm laughing too. I can tell he loves me a ton but I just want to make sure it's ok for him to be this dependent on me.

As I texted this to my mom, I felt bad saying he needs me too much, but a co-worker of E's said something the other day that caught my attention. I was in the office and I walked a few feet away to grab something and Kaiden immediately started crying. E's co worker said something like, "Boy, is he fearful!" It wasn't anything that offended me, it was just a detail (that has been in the back of my mind) brought to my attention. I explained how we have been taking him to endless doctor's appointments and such, but the word fearful really stood out to me. He does act afraid to not be with me.

My mom called me and asked why I was concerned. She explained it's perfectly normal and then she said words that struck my heart. You are his security. I know he loves to sleep with the blanket I knit him and I know he is comforted by drinking his milk, but I am his security. I am the one that protects him, feeds him and puts him to bed every night (and of course my husband too lol). I read him stories, play with him every day, laugh at his little, silly games. I take him everywhere with me and I'm always there when he cries. Hearing my mom re-emphasize all this really put things into perspective for me.

While in the church nursery, Kaiden will cry if he hears the end song being played and we haven't picked him up yet. When we are all sitting on the floor together and playing, he always takes my hand and take's my husband's hands to pull us closer together. If he wants my attention, he hangs around my legs and rubs his head like a little cat. It is clear how much he loves my husband and I and how much he craves our attention. The other day, I found this quote...

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff. (Catherine M. Wallace)


Kaiden may not be talking yet but he eagerly awaits my response when he builds a huge lego tower or when he puts a pillow on his head. He doesn't want me to miss a single detail and while at times it may be difficult for me to always pay attention, I am reminded that these little things are the big things and right now, I am his security.

Still Busy.

I feel overwhelmed. I've never had so many scheduled appointments in my life and I'm being forced into learning an independence I didn't know I have. E is gone for a few weeks and so I've been doing it all alone which hasn't been easy. It's difficult to take Kaiden from place to place and a lot of times I've had things scheduled in the middle of his nap time so he only has 30 minutes to sleep. This stuff has to be done, so I push though it but even when I'm home Kaiden desires my attention and I give it all to him because I feel bad that he's been dragged all around town. It scares me when I look at the clock and see that when I get home from one appointment, I have to feed and change Kaiden and then leave in another 15 minutes for the next. Despite the craziness, I'm at peace knowing that I will be able to hold my own when E gets deployed. Somehow there is a method to the madness and I always seem to make it everywhere on time, keep Kaiden happy and just have enough time to breathe. All this to say, please forgive me if I seem scattered or overwhelmed.

One of the appointments I had was a medical review for overseas clearance. I sat down in front of two doctors and they asked me questions about myself and Kaiden. This meeting covered the misunderstanding of Kaiden's speech delay. One of the doctor's apologized for how things unfolded but told me unfortunately, since his "delay" is in writing there is nothing we can do. All they can do now is send the files over to our gaining base in Germany and they will look it over and see if there is a program for Kaiden. I did look into it and there should be, but in the chance that they do not approve a plan for him we will have many issues...if you can think of it, please pray that the rest of this process goes smoothly. I'm not worried anymore because I can look back at my life and see how God has always worked things out for us (even if it always is last minute in my eyes lol).

I had a meeting tonight with a photography client interested in family portraits. I was so nervous (which looking back at it I don't know why I would be!) We met at Starbucks and immediately words started spilling out of my mouth about how I do things, why I do them and how I could turn their vision for portraits into tangible pictures...it's moments like that, that remind me to be confident in my craft. I have a genuine love for it and it shows so there should be no reason for anxiety.

I did decide to get a gym membership. Although it adds one more thing to my to do list each day, I'm glad I got it because I consider that me time. I tried out my first zumba class yesterday and I'm hooked! It's basically a dance fitness class to a wide variety of salsa beats. It's an hour long and although i'm sure I looked like a fool doing it, I definitely worked my leg muscles because I'm so sore today! It feels good to finally get back in the routine of working out again. Once again, I have more energy, I'm sleeping better and I'm in better moods.

Well, I'm sure there is more randomness I could write about but I need dinner and I'm ready for bed. Thanks to all who have mentioned to me that they are praying over me and my family. It's by God's grace I'm making it through these next few months! Once E gets back from his trip things will start moving much faster. Only 7 more weeks til we leave California....so crazy.

Life Update: April

I mentioned in my previous post that we have been busy...well, we have.  I have been running around like crazy and it's even more difficult with a 16 month old that needs to be entertained, changed and fed throughout. Thankfully, the week is almost over. Here is a taste of the past week:
Last Friday: E's squadron picnic/easter egg hunt/garage sale prep
Saturday: Garage sale/E helped friend's move
Sunday: Church/Easter brunch
Monday: My final doctor appointment/passport photos appointment
Tuesday: Audiology appointment for Kaiden (40 minutes away)/Government passport appointment
Wednesday/TODAY: Civilian passport appointment
Thursday: Speech eval for Kaiden/ Ear infection appointment for Kaiden
Friday: TGIF!

I've updated my Facebook friends but I will write a little about it here. When we were at the doctor's office a few weeks ago (for Kaiden's regular checkup) I mentioned to our doctor that Kaiden doesn't say "mama" to me yet. He did once on Valentine's Day, and that was it. She suggested we send him to speech therapy and went ahead and put the order in. I just ignored it because I thought that we could opt not to do so, but as E has been doing his final out-processing paperwork (a stack of papers and documents you gather to leave this base), we discovered our status is pending because of our son's "Speech delay." For one thing, had I known he would be given a label before even being evaluated that would cause a bump in our process, I would have never opened my mouth in the first place. I don't want to even get started on our doctor....anyways, long story short I took him to his audiology appointment, and thankfully he passed with an "Adequate" status. Tomorrow is his speech evaluation so we'll see what the therapist says.

My camera and lens came in the mail! I was having issues in Hawaii but praise the Lord, all the issues have been repaired at no cost since they are both under warranty. If you would like, please check out a series of film pictures I took while we were there. I'm absolutely in love with film and can't wait to share more about that later.

I found a gym! My friend told me about a local gym that offers childcare for $10/month on top of membership fees while you workout. This is my second day on our free trial and I'm loving it. I was telling E that Kaiden has gotten so hyper and I need him to expel energy somewhere else besides our home. Since we don't have family and I'm literally with him 24/7, I find myself mentally worn and I need a break. He suggested I start working out again and so we tried this gym for the first time yesterday. What sells me is the childcare. All the workers know him by name and although he cries for the first few minutes, by the time I'm ready to pick him up he is playing with other kids and doesn't want to leave. It's so nice because I have some time to myself while doing something that is healthy, makes me feel better and can take my mind off of life's daily stresses.

We have about 9 weeks left here in California. Once June rolls around, things will be moving super fast. Movers will come in and take all of our stuff...our house will be rented out...I have one last wedding to shoot before I go...and then we are off. The next 4.5 months will be spent going between Wisconsin (home), Florida (where E is training) and Pennsylvania (in-laws). He graduates, Lord willing, in October and then we move to Germany. I'm excited for a new season in life but it's also bittersweet. It seriously feels like just yesterday when we moved to California. We were all bright eyed about the new sites to see and the new people we would meet.

Bussssssyyyy.

It's been crazy busy around our household. Yesterday was E's squadron picnic, today was our garage sale and tomorrow is church, an Easter egg hunt and brunch. I have an appointment on Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday. Both E and I haven't had a chance to catch our breath and I know when he gets back from his TDY (out of town work assignment) things will begin to move even faster.

I don't have much time to write, but I did want to leave you with one of our film picture's from Hawaii. I hope you all have a blessed Easter weekend!

Straight from the camera...no editing because it's film!!!

Goodbyes, Closest-cleaning and Runny Noses

Today we said goodbye to our beloved dog, Callie. I didn't expect to part with her so suddenly, but E suggested that we put her up for adoption now since we weren't sure how long it would take us to find her a good home. Bringing dogs into Germany is very difficult and with Kaiden and I hopping all over the US during Ethan's training, her situation just isn't ideal. To our surprise, several hours after posting the ad, we received about 50 emails asking about her. We selected a family that sounded like a perfect fit, and when they stepped into our living room to meet her I could tell right away she was in good hands. Their little boy in particular held her and loved on her in such a way that made me feel ok about parting. I'm really going to miss her. Although we only had her for a short period, she was by far my favorite dog we've owned. She did so well with Kaiden and was just so incredibly smart and well behaved for a puppy.

I've been doing more and more research about Germany. There is just so much literature out there and a ton of military wife blogs as well. In the back of my mind, I'm aware that there is a chance that something could happen and last minute we get re-directed to another base. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much...but really, how could you not lol? One thing I'm running into trouble with is my business. Apparently, I will have to pay both US and German taxes depending on who my clientele is. The whole process seems confusing and on top of all the change we will be dealing with, I honestly don't feel like dealing with it. I think after I get my german down, then will I try to pursue any legalities pertaining to official business in that country. We're beginning to clear out items in our house since there is a weight limit on how much we can take overseas. Thankfully we are not hoarders, so I'm pretty sure most of our furniture will come along. There are just a lot of odds and ends things I will be selling...clothes...books...craft stuff...maybe even some photo equipment.

Kaiden hasn't been feeling well. He had a minor ear infection prior to Hawaii, and then the day before we left we hung out with our good friends who were getting over a cold. Go figure, Kaiden picked it up and has been runny nosed and coughing since. It happens but it's just frustrating when he acts bratty because of it. I know he doesn't feel well but I'm trying to figure out where to draw the line with that. I think taking him off his schedule and throwing in a 3 hour time difference messed up the good thing we had going too. Tonight I did try the whole Vicks on the feet and socks trick, so I'm curious to see if that helps. On a side note, this kid seriously has some strong arms. He chucks his toys and cups at me (because he thinks it is playing) and the other day it hit in me in the eye....it hurt sooooo badly. A few days before that it was the nose. The funny thing is...he can throw a perfect football throw and a perfect "hike". He's a born athlete.

Wrestling with Self-Pity and Ingratitude

I stumbled across an article by William Farley last night that really highlighted a lot of issues I've been dealing with. It's entitled, "The Poison of Self Pity." This is definitely a must read for any Christian. I think we all easily find ourselves wallowing in self pity and as harmless as it may seem, it is a deep rooted issue that must be recognized and turned over to the cross. Too often we play the role of a victim, which immediately wipes out any remembrance of who we were before Christ, what He did for us and the work He is doing now.

Taken straight from the article,

"The roots of self-pity are 'pride in action'. It is the propensity to feel sorry for yourself because you are not getting what you think you deserve. Self-pity assumes that you deserve good treatment from God and other people. It assumes this because it decrees that you are good, and you are entitled to good. Self pity exposes self-centeredness. The magnifying glass turns inward on you and your problems. It has no energy for God, no interest in the needs of others, no capacity for the outward focus that signals spiritual health and true happiness."

Ouch. If that doesn't take you down a few notches...

"Self-pity is the vacuum into which gratitude cannot enter. In fact, self-pity and thanksgiving cannot coexist. They are mutually exclusive. . . Ultimately, self pity is self-worship and that is what makes it so deadly, so evil. At heart, self pity expresses the idolatry of 'Me, Me, Me.' It demands center stage. It seeks to be worshiped. And it dethrones God." 

The article goes on to explain symptoms of self pity...

• Depression --> "I feel sorry for myself. I'm worn out. I don't have energy for daily activities."
• Envy --> "I want what you have." or "I deserve what you have."
• Jealousy --> "You may take away what I have."
• Anger --> "I'm upset and voicing my self pity."
• Bitterness --> "I'm past anger and now hold a grudge."

The article goes on and on...examining the deep heart issues we all have in more detail. I never realized that self-pity encompassed this wide range of emotions...and I am guilty of so many of them! One thing that I've been really vocal about in my blog entries is my desire for my business to grow. This affects me on a daily basis and is evident because of how much I write about it. It's been this way for several years now. The desire consumes me and I've been trying to figure out how I can move past it, because ultimately I know even if I get what I want, it will not fill what God was meant to. I am genuinely happy for those around me that are successful, but I also wonder why I don't receive the same kind of success. There it is folks...that is envy. I'm basically saying "God, I deserve this. Why can't I have it too? Why isn't this in Your plans? Even though You are all-knowing, I'm pretty sure this is how it should be." I find myself scrambling to make things happen...I take matters into my own hands. And when it doesn't work out, I'm mentally worn out. No wonder I keep falling back into this up and down pattern of contentness and then lack of it. I'm basically shoving my ingratitude in God's face and asking Him for more than what He has already blessed me with. 

This realization is huge for me. It actually goes hand in hand with the study we are doing in Ephesians. The overall theme of this book is grace and for the first time in my life (although I've read it in school many times) I am finally understanding what grace means. 

I am sinful by nature. (Romans 3:23)

The penalty of sin is death. (Romans 6:23)

[Therefore,] I am deserving of death. 

But God, in His great love sent His son to Earth and carried the weight of our sin. (John 3:16)

He took the penalty for us and died on the cross. (Hebrews 10:10-14)

If we choose to accept, we are given the gift of salvation at no cost. (Ephesians 2:8--9)

Every other religion in the world requires you to "do good" and "work" for your salvation, but even our best works are filthy rags. It is by accepting Christ as your Savior that we are given eternal life. That is grace. We are undeserving but He gives it to us anyways. "For by grace you were saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one may boast!" When I have this mindset my excuses for self pity are all worthless. Oh, there is so much more I would love to share but I will leave it here for now. Knowing these simple, yet complex truths is forever changing me and I'm starting to care less and less about what I want (or think I want) in life. It's freeing. It's incredibly humbling. This is the lot I've been given and because of His grace and my understanding of it, I'm grateful more than ever before. 

Hops, Island Life and Broken Cameras.

I’ve been a little absent lately but I have an excuse…I’ve been living on the beautiful island of Oahu for the past few days! E and I decided not to take our Guam trip after all since the chance of us getting a military plane departing Guam was slim. As I mentioned in a previous post, we took a “hop” which is basically the extra seating available on a number of planes transporting military members and goods. The hops are sporadic and you won’t know the schedule until a few days before (nor are you guaranteed a seat), so it’s a bit hard to plan much of anything. You just have to be flexible. Surprisingly, I found flying military air to be much more relaxing that commercial flying. We didn’t have the added stress of driving to the airport, going through crazy security or dealing with the awful looks we get from traveling with a young child. All 65 available seats were taken and more than half of them were filled with kids (…although the workers said they’d never seen that many kids at once before.)

via my instagram

From the beginning of our trip we planned to do Waikiki on a budget. Our hotel is located right in downtown Waikiki BUT because it is a military hotel we pay about 1/3 the cost of all the surrounding hotels. Our only costs are the room, food and the cab we took to get from the base to the hotel. We decided not to rent a car and have been doing most of our traveling by foot. I do wish we could do a little more exploring on the island, but honestly, with Kaiden it is just so hard. He would rather be splashing in the water so it’s just been a series of lazy days for us…I definitely can’t complain.

I’m sure everyone feels this way but I’m serious when I say the island culture is definitely for us. Hawaii has such a friendly, chill atmosphere. This is our second time here and so many of the natives have mistaken us for locals. We were pretty excited when someone asked us what part of Hawaii we are from lol. E grew up on the beach and my Filipino roots naturally make me beach prone. J Did I mention Kaiden is wayyyy tanner than me and he’s been sporting some SPF 50? I’m more Filipino than him…how does that work!?! We put Kaiden on a standup paddle board and right away he went from his belly to standing position and ran across, while on the water! He is only 16 months and already has such a good grip on surfing. I’ve never seen a little kid love water so much. He is seriously fearless. He runs right into the water and actually wants to put his face under. The few times we let him do it, he resurfaced with a huge smile on his face. Let me just say, the best part about this trip is my “I could care less” attitude. I’ve been sporting sundresses and haven’t done a thing to my hair or worn any makeup since I got here. I haven’t even taken pictures. Instead of trying to always capture the moment, I’ve learned to just be in the moment. It’s been nice.

via my instagram

My camera is officially broken by the way. The one night I did bring it out, I set it in the middle of our hotel desk when we got back into the room. Kaiden tugged on the strap somehow and it hit the floor. It wasn’t even that hard of a fall but it was enough to cause a piece of the inside to stay in a position it shouldn’t. I honestly thought I would feel some sort of emotion. E expected me to be upset at Kaiden but I knew it was my fault for not putting it in my bag right away. I really think my reaction to the situation was so calm because of what I’ve been learning from the By His Wounds bible study I’m going through. It’s been talking about having an eternal perspective and using Ephesians to show us the gift we have in our Salvation and how temporal our right now is. When I realized my camera didn’t work I just thought, “It’s my fault. It’s just a material thing. Stuff happens. God provided the camera and He will provide a way to fix it.” Ask anyone that knows me well enough -- that would normally never be my reaction! The Dianne I know would probably get upset at Kaiden and cry over the situation. This study has been such an eye opener and although everyday has me feeling even more humbled (which isn’t easy for me) I’m so encouraged by the deeper understanding of grace I have each day.

via my instagram

Well, I should get back to relaxing. The moment we get home we will have to tackle a laundry list of preparations for moving to Germany. It looks like we will be officially leaving California mid-June. I will be traveling back and forth between Florida, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania in the summer and then off to Germany by November. I leave you with this quote, “Wherever you are, be fully there.”

via my instagram

Life Via Instagram February and March

1. Callie cuddling with me randomly

2. Photo shoot at Muir Beach

3. Homemade croutons for friend with newborn

4. Breakfast as local mom & pop diner

5. Watching Kaiden and his gf play

6. Daily walks with the  bug

7. Kaiden stomping on pillows

8. Spilled my Chik Fil A

9. Grateful for the nice breeze from cieling fan

10. Homemade chicken tacos

11. Lazy Saturday with the Kindle

12. Kaiden's new obsession

13. Waiting for daddy to come home

14. Beginning to our day picture

15. New favorite play spot

16. Favorite plant ever...succulents

Self-Condemnation.

Lately it seems I've been wrestling with two words: self condemnation. I am my worst critic and I never realized it until E brought light of it when we first got married. I expect perfection of myself and when I don't reach it, I'm left frustrated. This really began to play into my relationship with Christ when I moved away from the Christian bubble of a college I went to, and began life (somewhat) on my own. I didn't have anyone holding my hand in my Christian walk which led me to question a lot and scoff at my constant failure to achieve some sort of level where I could finally feel like I earned my salvation. God used those moments to teach me humility and learn more of His grace, but I still fall back into old patterns. It's not even just my relationship with Christ...it's things like being a photographer, a blogger or even a mother. My insecurities hang in front of me and my mind tires from the abuse. I feel like the parent that pushes his kid too far...except I'm the parent and the kid.

I found myself in one of those ruts today. Journalling helps so I wrote it out.

I feel uncreative.

I feel inconsistent.

I feel scatter brained.

I feel insignificant.

I feel like I'm not good enough.

I feel frustrated.

And then my mind turned to the problem. I. I. I. I feel. I feel. I feel.

My mind then switched gears and reflected on truths I know about God.

He has blessed me with the opportunity to create.

He is consistent.

He has everything in order.

He gives me significance.

He looks upon me with favor.

He is the giver of peace.

I've linked each of the thoughts about God I listed above to a verse that matches each truth. The "I feel" mindset that leads me to frustration is a mind focused on myself and what others are doing. Instead, my mindset should be set on the blessings He has already poured down on me, my inheritance in the Lord, and the race I am currently running.  When I take my eyes off "the prize" then I get side tracked and my emotions overtake leaving me with a blurred sense of purpose.

I'm pretty sure I'm the one holding myself back. I cannot expect to push forward as an artist (or in any other avenue) when I'm so focused on my weaknesses and what others are doing. My goal for the rest of this month is to stop criticizing myself. stop looking at other's work. stop comparing myself to others. stop spreading myself thin. stop over committing. stop doing what I think others expect of me. live fully in every moment that comes my way. be myself. hold fast to all of His promises. keep my eyes on the prize....

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

March Life Update

We took Kaiden to his 15 month appointment. He weighs 27 lbs. No wonder my arms and fingers are always killing me. I try to lift him as little as possible but it's almost impossible not to do so...he has to be taken out of his crib...he has to be put in his high chair. I live with this mindset that I will forever be changing his diapers and trying to figure out what cry of communication he is speaking to me but before I know it, he will be a smelly teenage boy that doesn't need me lol.

We are officially going to Guam this month! The days got pushed back a little but the island fever has set in. I'm constantly googling pictures of palm trees and crystal clear water. I'm so excited to take a vacation. This will be our first out of country vacation as a family...and the best part? It's barely costing us a thing. We are taking a military plane to get there, meaning we don't have to pay airfare. 

I'm really excited about the online Bible starting I'm starting up! So far we have 12 attendees from all over the map...California, Wisconsin, Florida, New Mexico, Pennsylvania and Germany! I feel so inadequate to lead a study but I'm more so looking forward to how God will transform us through the study of Ephesians. It's still not too late to sign up! You can find the details here.

Nothing too new going on here...just a lot of internal battles and daily trying to surrender my desires to God.

Discontent.

I struggle with writing transparent entries. They make me feel vulnerable and the pride in me doesn't want to admit that I am a complex person with deep-rooted issues. I am blessed with good health, a roof over my head, a wonderful family and more, but I struggle with a mind that over-thinks. I am constantly analyzing everything that my mind takes in and it gets extremely tiring. The other day I was telling E how I'm tired of dancing back and forth between plans. My focus has always been on the direction my photography business is heading and lately that seems to be magnified. I go at it in spurts. There are periods where I barely pick up my camera. And then there are periods where I'm hitting it heavy...redoing my website, networking, etc etc. Why can't I seem to make up my mind? How is it that one day I can be completely fine with little business and than the next be so enthralled at the idea of taking on more? What happens when I do get what I want? Will it be enough? Do "successful" photographers ever reach a point where they are satisfied in all they have accomplished? Or is this a never ending ladder of "success"? And there goes my mind...when will the up and down rocking of this boat stop? I think about it so much that my mind gets lost in what I have planned vs. what God has planned. For what seems a long time, I have been praying that God's will be done but I have a hard time discerning if He wants me to put feet to my prayers and at what line those feet stop. This is the issue. My mind gets in the way and I get lost.

This past weekend I picked up a book called 1,000 gifts. It highlights the author's discontent in a busy, busy world. I can relate. I'm always wanting more. Always wishing. Always focusing on what's going to happen next and forgetting to live in the today. I can honestly admit that earlier in Kaiden's life there are moments that seem a blur because I was so focused on the future that I forgot to enjoy the present. The author talked about slowing down. Taking life in. Taking each moment in. I have forgotten how to do this. I had forgotten how to savor today...or perhaps I had never known how. As I read these things, the words on her pages spoke straight to my heart and when realized this, I stopped. The thoughts stopped. And then Kaiden woke up from his nap. I felt upset. He hadn't slept as long as normal and our curious dog pushed open his door to check on him. Sometimes he can settle himself but when she does this he can't fall back asleep. I marched outside and vented my frustrations to E as if him and the freshly mowed lawn could do something about it. I went back into Kaiden's room, looked into his tear-filled eyes and realized that this wasn't one of those times he could just cry it out. He needed mom. He needed me. I held him in my arms and sat back in the rocking chair. Back and forth. Back and forth. We swayed to the soothing lullabies floating from his radio. His big blue eyes didn't roll back as expected but instead looked into mine with wonder. I realized in that moment that this is what I've been missing. This is what the author was speaking of. Instead of me focusing on how to get him back to sleep so I can continue my book, I needed to focus on the here and now. And the here and now was his little fingers wrapped around my arm. His gentle feet tucked around my waist. His sweet little sighs of contentment. It was in that moment, I found myself content...filled with gratitude at all the Lord has blessed me with. Time slowed. Worries at rest.

I don't know what plans God has for me. I'm still taking each day by day wondering if the photography business is something I am called to do, but for now, I'm practicing.learning.trying. to take every moment as it comes my way. Today is a gift and today this is what I've been given. The thoughts stop here and my faith must be placed into action.

Life Update: February

I posted this on my Facebook status the other day, but I have to post it here. So yesterday, our little family was all playing together. All of a sudden, Kaiden grabbed my pant leg (because that's how he shows me he wants something or wants to take me somewhere) and pulled me over next to E. At first I thought he wanted me to grab him something but when he placed me by my husband, I realized that he simply wanted us sitting next to each other. Both E and I were astonished at what happened. How could a little 15-month old desire something so complex? Does he understand that mommy and daddy belong together and does he long for us to display that love in front of him? He did the same thing again, twice today! This proves that little kids have more than the basic "feed me" "change me" "put me to sleep" needs we think they have. They need both a mother and father. They need attention from both. They need to feel loved and they want to see love displayed. They need more than a care taker. They need more than a sitter. Everytime he does this, it blows my mind and fills me with joy at the same time.

I've been exploring different aspects of photography. I just don't think wedding photography is in the future for me...for a number of reasons. I won't get into that just yet but a big proponent for this change is because we are a military family (aka always relocating) and my business will never take root in one place. I've shared this with a few close friends but haven't made any announcements on my business page/blog because I don't want to make a drastic change just yet. A few days ago I photographed a 5 year old and just yesterday I photographed a newborn. These were two totally different types of shoots, which are both so different from what I've normally been doing. Over these next few weeks I'll be continuing to explore and I'll be praying about the change. We'll see what happens!

Something that has me excited lately is mom-hood. Social media has really brought to light a lot of voices that were never heard before. We now have more access to peoples lives more than ever, and I'm beginning to find out how many Godly, amazing, and creative stay at home moms there are. I never, ever pictured myself as a stay at home mom and so when I made the decision to do so, I felt old-fashioned and outdated. I'm a firm believer that when a woman becomes a mom, her duty is to 1) her husband 32 her kids 3) her home. If she can maintain a job beyond that, awesome! But the first three are exhausting, time-consuming tasks in itself. This is why I struggled with my love for photography so much...it battled with my other roles. That is a resolved, past issue, but I still struggle with feeling alone in the conviction. This is why I'm encouraged by a number of blogs from all sorts of women whose number one desire is to be there for their kids. You can find some of them on the links I love page.

All in all, we are doing great! Lots of change in the future and lots of waiting in the present...

another preview from the 5 year old shoot I did the other day...

Oh, Valentine's Day...

This was my husband's response last year after I asked him why we weren't going to go out for dinner (aka fight the crowd at some fancy restaurant.) His words reminded me of how blessed I am to have him as my husband. He constantly tells me I'm beautiful. He never fails to mention how much he loves me. He is a wonderful father to our son. He is a great spiritual leader of our household. He works hard to provide for our family. He supports all of my crazy, big dreams. The list goes on...

His love for me is not a commercialized version of love that promises chocolates and material possessions every 14th of February. He doesn't have to step up his game just for the holiday...he lives it day after day. Don't get me wrong, while I love the thought of an extra gift to give and receive, we try not to get caught up in going overboard with things. Instead, I focus on how February 14th reminds me to thank God for the man He brought into my life and how well he treats me every single day of the year. I love you E, and I'm beyond blessed to be your valentine for the rest of our lives! :)

Drawing a Blank.

I have so much to say but don't know how to say it. I've typed and re-typed several different blog posts (some paragraphs long) but still can't spit out what's inside me. I'm overwhelmed with all that God is doing to transform my life and I'm awestruck to see situations placed before me (that would normally tear me apart) leave me filled with a peace and a trust in His perfect plan. Please be patient with me as I figure out how to convert this joy to pen....

Babysitting my friend's daughter on top of Kaiden... via instagram

The Generosity of a Stranger.

Today I ran to the commissary (base grocery store) to pick up a few items and use the last of our WIC checks (meaning our income level allows us to receive state assistance for Kaiden's food -- an amazing program!) After grabbing the items I needed, I went to the checkout line. I always check out my WIC stuff first, as there are very strict procedures about what you can and can't buy. I didn't grab enough juice and so I had to take Kaiden out of the cart, grab my wallet and run over to the juice aisle to pick up another. That in itself got me flustered. I know what it's like to pick a line because you think it looks short only to find out that the person in front of you "needs a price check" or "forgot something". After the cashier was done ringing up my WIC items, she proceeded to ring up the rest of the groceries. I started to panic because I couldn't find my debit card...I left it at home. I quickly scrambled to see how much cash was in my wallet. $27. The total came up to be $31.05. Immediately, my face turned bright red and I told the cashier "I don't have enough. Can you take something out?" Because I'm such a soft spoken person, she couldn't understand what I said and I had to repeat myself. At that point I felt so embarrassed...I just wanted to forget the groceries and leave. Again, I told her just to take something...anything out. A bagger (on military bases the baggers get tips and that is how they make money) came up to me, pulled out some cash and said "I've got it covered. How much do you need?" I insisted that they just take something out but before anything could be done he placed several $1's down, paid for it and even tipped my bagger. In that moment, I could feel tears bursting through. I tried to spit out a thank you as best as I could. I walked out of the store with so many emotions. Embarrassment. Gratitude. Pride. Gratefulness. Humility. I'm sure all of this sounds like it wasn't that big of a deal but I specifically go out of my way to make sure that I'm never in a position of embarrassment. I've never been in a place where I wasn't able to afford something, and if we can't afford it, we don't buy it. As I pushed back the tears and thanked God for sending that man, I realized my pride issue. I also realized that this is how the body of Christ is called to act. This complete stranger had no idea who I am and could have just as easily let me return something, but was willing to cover the cost before he even realized how much it was. It was a beautiful display of compassion, generosity, and love. God freely gives to us and we should freely give to others. I don't know if this man was a Believer or not, but the prompting he had to spare a few dollars (dollars which normally don't seem that much most of the time) meant the world to me and taught me a great lesson about God, the Church and myself.

Disappointment at the Art Museum

E and I spent our evening at the San Francisco Modern Art Museum. I've been looking forward to visiting this museum since we moved here and so when I found out E is required to go for one of his college classes, I was ecstatic! After driving through traffic and rain, our little family arrived at the MOMA, greeted by guys with thick-rimmed glasses and turtlenecks. It was everything you would expect from a modern art museum. We entered the first floor of art and our eyes were drawn to a painting by the famous Henri Mattise. Next came work by Georges Braque. And next was work by Pablo Picasso. What started out as a great trip, quickly turned dim. I know modern art gets bashed a lot ("My kindergartner could do better than that!") so I've always tried to keep an open mind about it, but as I walked from room to room I found myself disappointed. I know so many talented people whose work deserves to be displayed and yet I stood in a room with a large canvas covered in black paint? I have no doubt that there are layers of beauty underneath and while I may not understand what the artist went through to get there, my only thoughts were how much of a waste of space it was to hang up some of these pieces.

 I wasn't too upset until I made my way to the next floor...the photography floor. I was excited to see some Dorthea Lange which was rumored to have been at this particular museum. There was none. We walked into a room filled with dark, nudity covered prints everywhere. It wasn't even the type of nudity that I studied at my Christian fine arts class... (roman sculptures, etc.) which is expected at museums....instead, it was sickly, gross images that need no more description. I told my husband to watch the floor and covered my son's eyes as we quickly paced through the rooms trying to find photography that actually captured something worthwhile. We made it to the end and...nothing. I think the thing that made me the most upset was the emotion this artist was trying to convey. From the quick glances I had here and there I could feel her torment (and maybe that was the point) but it only saddened me to know that her temporary fame was at the cost of a joy-less reality. It also upset me that now these stupid images will forever be burned into my head...just another way to de-sensitize America.

The third floor was just large installations. There were beams on the floor, a white-painted 2x4 and paper with oil stains. Again, I didn't see the point, but whatever... We reached the end of our journey and I insisted that we go back one more time to view the Picasso piece just so I wouldn't feel like we wasted our money. I was disappointed to say the least.

I think what really hit me, though, was the people inside the museum. I watched several scattered throughout with their notebooks and pens, trying to interpret the art. They all looked the same. Every girl had oxfords, skinny jeans, a cute coat and scarf, thick-rimmed glasses and either a pixie cut or a top-knot ponytail. The same could be said of the guys. How is it that all these people are trying to "express themselves" and "be creative"..."artistic"..."different" and yet they all looked the same? Every person looked like a copy of the next. And still, it's safe to assume that the ones that are art students were trying to find inspiration to help them differentiate their work and help them to stand out. I don't know if they realized how deep they would have to dig in order to get a piece that would be wall-worthy at this museum. Almost every piece was dark and disturbing. Some were just outright stupid but others clearly had emotion painted all over them. It can be argued that the pieces are raw and honest but I wonder if in the end it was worth it? As an artist myself, I know how critical I can be of my own work. It's never good enough and I wonder if it ever will be. I can only imagine some of the agony some of these artists felt as they created their work. Some may have created art to ease their depression and others may have reached for depression to create their art. Either way, they are all dead and their work wasn't appreciated until several years after.

I left that museum with a heavy heart. When I arrived home, I googled the photographer whose work disturbed me so, only to find out that she committed suicide by throwing herself out a window at age 22. All her searching and self-mutilating expression was done in vain. Her story breaks my heart and reminds me all the more to spread the good news of Jesus Christ. We will only ever find peace and joy in a personal relationship with our Savior.

Sorry if this whole entry was choppy...my thoughts are scattered but I still felt the need to share.

Less of Me.

God is ultimate. My desires. wants. needs. wishes. are not.

God is all knowing and purposeful. I am given my roles for a reason. Where we live is no mistake. Who I run into is no mistake. Everything is given life and with that life comes purpose...serving to bring forward His perfect plan.

Everyone needs compassion. I am equally in need of a Savior as the next person. 

My good deeds don't gain salvation. 

There are no brownie points for authenticity or an admission of weakness. God praises humility that is transformed to repentance which brings change.

My identity is not found in my roles as a wife, mom, photographer or anything else. My sole purpose in being created is to serve Him and fulfill His plan for my life which can happen through my roles.

Pointing fingers at a church body or church group serves to benefit only one person, and that is not God. Instead, we should work together to build up the church and not destroy it from the inside.

Our Christian walk is not about the journey or the experience, but rather the purpose and the prize.

Our culture has a serious problem with self-promotion and narcissism. The enemy can, has and is using this to take our eyes off Him and point it back to ourselves.

People choose to be ignorant because they don't want to sacrifice or change.

The path is narrow.

Photographic Paradigm Shift.

I'm so excited! In a few hours, I may be the new proud owner of a Canon EOS 3...aka a film camera. I took a black and white film class a few years ago, but the only equipment I had was my dad's old Pentax which was fully manual...meaning I not only shot full manual, but I manually put the film in and manually controlled the focus :S These past few days I've been going through a photo-dilemma. After reviewing all the photos I took over the course of 2011, I've realized that my goal for last year (consistency) still isn't quite here yet. There's no doubt that I've improved but I'm still struggling to find my voice in it all. I want all my pictures to have a distinct look...almost to the point where someone can say, "Oh, that's definitely a JAGOFOTO." I've also realized that all the photos I'm ever drawn to are shot with film. Call me crazy, I know we are in a digital era, but film cannot be replaced. Film is honest. What you shoot is what you get. There is no covering it up with editing. There is no Photoshop (technically speaking). Film is SOOOO rich in color. It's clear. It's true artistry. You have to REALLY know what you are doing because every shot you take costs money and you can't look at the back of your camera to check if you got it right. I originally learned on film and now that I'm taking digital photos, I feel like I'm taking each shot for granted. I know in the back of my head that I can always redo it and I feel that it is holding me back as an artist.

Compared to others, I don't get that much business. However, I do not let that disappoint me because I am a firm believer that God has His hand on every client he blesses me with. In 2011, He chose to give me only a handful of wonderful clients. It was the perfect amount to help me upgrade my gear and keep me doing creative things, but let's be honest, I'm not at the point in my business where I'm making much of a profit...it's more a self-sustaining hobby. Because of this, I've realized that I have the freedom right now to change the direction where my business is headed. I'm not in so deep that I can't make a u-turn leaving a bunch of people angry that I'm changing things up a bit. I know for a fact that I want clients who appreciate the artistry in photography. I would rather have fewer clients willing to pay a little bit more than an overbooked schedule with people who don't appreciate the gift and just want me because I'm slightly cheaper than the next guy.

Over the next few months, I'm slowly going to be changing my website. I'm going to start taking down pictures that don't reflect the vision I have for JAGOFOTO. I'm going to be more selective among the few clients I have. I'm going to start asking my clients to trust and allow me to direct the session as I see it. I'm going to start changing the way I do sessions and packages. I'm going to be more confident in who I am as an artist. I'm going to break out of the cookie cutter mold I thought I had to put myself into. I'm going to start incorporating more and more film until I get to a point where I'm doing more film than digital.

I'm really excited about this paradigm shift and I'm also nervous to break from the mold. Film is lots of practice, patience and trial/error. Once the camera arrives my new journey will begin. I'm curious to see what will happen...