Still Busy.

I feel overwhelmed. I've never had so many scheduled appointments in my life and I'm being forced into learning an independence I didn't know I have. E is gone for a few weeks and so I've been doing it all alone which hasn't been easy. It's difficult to take Kaiden from place to place and a lot of times I've had things scheduled in the middle of his nap time so he only has 30 minutes to sleep. This stuff has to be done, so I push though it but even when I'm home Kaiden desires my attention and I give it all to him because I feel bad that he's been dragged all around town. It scares me when I look at the clock and see that when I get home from one appointment, I have to feed and change Kaiden and then leave in another 15 minutes for the next. Despite the craziness, I'm at peace knowing that I will be able to hold my own when E gets deployed. Somehow there is a method to the madness and I always seem to make it everywhere on time, keep Kaiden happy and just have enough time to breathe. All this to say, please forgive me if I seem scattered or overwhelmed.

One of the appointments I had was a medical review for overseas clearance. I sat down in front of two doctors and they asked me questions about myself and Kaiden. This meeting covered the misunderstanding of Kaiden's speech delay. One of the doctor's apologized for how things unfolded but told me unfortunately, since his "delay" is in writing there is nothing we can do. All they can do now is send the files over to our gaining base in Germany and they will look it over and see if there is a program for Kaiden. I did look into it and there should be, but in the chance that they do not approve a plan for him we will have many issues...if you can think of it, please pray that the rest of this process goes smoothly. I'm not worried anymore because I can look back at my life and see how God has always worked things out for us (even if it always is last minute in my eyes lol).

I had a meeting tonight with a photography client interested in family portraits. I was so nervous (which looking back at it I don't know why I would be!) We met at Starbucks and immediately words started spilling out of my mouth about how I do things, why I do them and how I could turn their vision for portraits into tangible pictures...it's moments like that, that remind me to be confident in my craft. I have a genuine love for it and it shows so there should be no reason for anxiety.

I did decide to get a gym membership. Although it adds one more thing to my to do list each day, I'm glad I got it because I consider that me time. I tried out my first zumba class yesterday and I'm hooked! It's basically a dance fitness class to a wide variety of salsa beats. It's an hour long and although i'm sure I looked like a fool doing it, I definitely worked my leg muscles because I'm so sore today! It feels good to finally get back in the routine of working out again. Once again, I have more energy, I'm sleeping better and I'm in better moods.

Well, I'm sure there is more randomness I could write about but I need dinner and I'm ready for bed. Thanks to all who have mentioned to me that they are praying over me and my family. It's by God's grace I'm making it through these next few months! Once E gets back from his trip things will start moving much faster. Only 7 more weeks til we leave California....so crazy.

Life Update: April

I mentioned in my previous post that we have been busy...well, we have.  I have been running around like crazy and it's even more difficult with a 16 month old that needs to be entertained, changed and fed throughout. Thankfully, the week is almost over. Here is a taste of the past week:
Last Friday: E's squadron picnic/easter egg hunt/garage sale prep
Saturday: Garage sale/E helped friend's move
Sunday: Church/Easter brunch
Monday: My final doctor appointment/passport photos appointment
Tuesday: Audiology appointment for Kaiden (40 minutes away)/Government passport appointment
Wednesday/TODAY: Civilian passport appointment
Thursday: Speech eval for Kaiden/ Ear infection appointment for Kaiden
Friday: TGIF!

I've updated my Facebook friends but I will write a little about it here. When we were at the doctor's office a few weeks ago (for Kaiden's regular checkup) I mentioned to our doctor that Kaiden doesn't say "mama" to me yet. He did once on Valentine's Day, and that was it. She suggested we send him to speech therapy and went ahead and put the order in. I just ignored it because I thought that we could opt not to do so, but as E has been doing his final out-processing paperwork (a stack of papers and documents you gather to leave this base), we discovered our status is pending because of our son's "Speech delay." For one thing, had I known he would be given a label before even being evaluated that would cause a bump in our process, I would have never opened my mouth in the first place. I don't want to even get started on our doctor....anyways, long story short I took him to his audiology appointment, and thankfully he passed with an "Adequate" status. Tomorrow is his speech evaluation so we'll see what the therapist says.

My camera and lens came in the mail! I was having issues in Hawaii but praise the Lord, all the issues have been repaired at no cost since they are both under warranty. If you would like, please check out a series of film pictures I took while we were there. I'm absolutely in love with film and can't wait to share more about that later.

I found a gym! My friend told me about a local gym that offers childcare for $10/month on top of membership fees while you workout. This is my second day on our free trial and I'm loving it. I was telling E that Kaiden has gotten so hyper and I need him to expel energy somewhere else besides our home. Since we don't have family and I'm literally with him 24/7, I find myself mentally worn and I need a break. He suggested I start working out again and so we tried this gym for the first time yesterday. What sells me is the childcare. All the workers know him by name and although he cries for the first few minutes, by the time I'm ready to pick him up he is playing with other kids and doesn't want to leave. It's so nice because I have some time to myself while doing something that is healthy, makes me feel better and can take my mind off of life's daily stresses.

We have about 9 weeks left here in California. Once June rolls around, things will be moving super fast. Movers will come in and take all of our stuff...our house will be rented out...I have one last wedding to shoot before I go...and then we are off. The next 4.5 months will be spent going between Wisconsin (home), Florida (where E is training) and Pennsylvania (in-laws). He graduates, Lord willing, in October and then we move to Germany. I'm excited for a new season in life but it's also bittersweet. It seriously feels like just yesterday when we moved to California. We were all bright eyed about the new sites to see and the new people we would meet.

Goodbyes, Closest-cleaning and Runny Noses

Today we said goodbye to our beloved dog, Callie. I didn't expect to part with her so suddenly, but E suggested that we put her up for adoption now since we weren't sure how long it would take us to find her a good home. Bringing dogs into Germany is very difficult and with Kaiden and I hopping all over the US during Ethan's training, her situation just isn't ideal. To our surprise, several hours after posting the ad, we received about 50 emails asking about her. We selected a family that sounded like a perfect fit, and when they stepped into our living room to meet her I could tell right away she was in good hands. Their little boy in particular held her and loved on her in such a way that made me feel ok about parting. I'm really going to miss her. Although we only had her for a short period, she was by far my favorite dog we've owned. She did so well with Kaiden and was just so incredibly smart and well behaved for a puppy.

I've been doing more and more research about Germany. There is just so much literature out there and a ton of military wife blogs as well. In the back of my mind, I'm aware that there is a chance that something could happen and last minute we get re-directed to another base. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much...but really, how could you not lol? One thing I'm running into trouble with is my business. Apparently, I will have to pay both US and German taxes depending on who my clientele is. The whole process seems confusing and on top of all the change we will be dealing with, I honestly don't feel like dealing with it. I think after I get my german down, then will I try to pursue any legalities pertaining to official business in that country. We're beginning to clear out items in our house since there is a weight limit on how much we can take overseas. Thankfully we are not hoarders, so I'm pretty sure most of our furniture will come along. There are just a lot of odds and ends things I will be selling...clothes...books...craft stuff...maybe even some photo equipment.

Kaiden hasn't been feeling well. He had a minor ear infection prior to Hawaii, and then the day before we left we hung out with our good friends who were getting over a cold. Go figure, Kaiden picked it up and has been runny nosed and coughing since. It happens but it's just frustrating when he acts bratty because of it. I know he doesn't feel well but I'm trying to figure out where to draw the line with that. I think taking him off his schedule and throwing in a 3 hour time difference messed up the good thing we had going too. Tonight I did try the whole Vicks on the feet and socks trick, so I'm curious to see if that helps. On a side note, this kid seriously has some strong arms. He chucks his toys and cups at me (because he thinks it is playing) and the other day it hit in me in the eye....it hurt sooooo badly. A few days before that it was the nose. The funny thing is...he can throw a perfect football throw and a perfect "hike". He's a born athlete.

Life Update: February

I posted this on my Facebook status the other day, but I have to post it here. So yesterday, our little family was all playing together. All of a sudden, Kaiden grabbed my pant leg (because that's how he shows me he wants something or wants to take me somewhere) and pulled me over next to E. At first I thought he wanted me to grab him something but when he placed me by my husband, I realized that he simply wanted us sitting next to each other. Both E and I were astonished at what happened. How could a little 15-month old desire something so complex? Does he understand that mommy and daddy belong together and does he long for us to display that love in front of him? He did the same thing again, twice today! This proves that little kids have more than the basic "feed me" "change me" "put me to sleep" needs we think they have. They need both a mother and father. They need attention from both. They need to feel loved and they want to see love displayed. They need more than a care taker. They need more than a sitter. Everytime he does this, it blows my mind and fills me with joy at the same time.

I've been exploring different aspects of photography. I just don't think wedding photography is in the future for me...for a number of reasons. I won't get into that just yet but a big proponent for this change is because we are a military family (aka always relocating) and my business will never take root in one place. I've shared this with a few close friends but haven't made any announcements on my business page/blog because I don't want to make a drastic change just yet. A few days ago I photographed a 5 year old and just yesterday I photographed a newborn. These were two totally different types of shoots, which are both so different from what I've normally been doing. Over these next few weeks I'll be continuing to explore and I'll be praying about the change. We'll see what happens!

Something that has me excited lately is mom-hood. Social media has really brought to light a lot of voices that were never heard before. We now have more access to peoples lives more than ever, and I'm beginning to find out how many Godly, amazing, and creative stay at home moms there are. I never, ever pictured myself as a stay at home mom and so when I made the decision to do so, I felt old-fashioned and outdated. I'm a firm believer that when a woman becomes a mom, her duty is to 1) her husband 32 her kids 3) her home. If she can maintain a job beyond that, awesome! But the first three are exhausting, time-consuming tasks in itself. This is why I struggled with my love for photography so much...it battled with my other roles. That is a resolved, past issue, but I still struggle with feeling alone in the conviction. This is why I'm encouraged by a number of blogs from all sorts of women whose number one desire is to be there for their kids. You can find some of them on the links I love page.

All in all, we are doing great! Lots of change in the future and lots of waiting in the present...

another preview from the 5 year old shoot I did the other day...

Film + Wisdom Teeth

I had my wisdom teeth pulled a few days ago. It was long overdue. I received the x-rays and referral form my dentist early last summer and they had been sitting on my desk until this past December. The surgery was in and out just as they promised, but I remember waking up with tears. It was to the point where I started to hyper-ventilate. Apparently, the medication made me react in such a way that brought out a lot of emotions. I remember dreaming and than waking up to a bunch of doctors around me, almost like in a movie. They brought me E right away and he helped calm me down. His compassion towards me made me feel so loved. I could see how sad he was that I was sad. *Sigh* ... I love him!

I've been on bedrest for the past few days. Since I'm on top of my meds, I haven't been in much pain at all which is a huge blessing. If anything, the most annoying part is not being able to eat normal food. For the first day I was only allowed to have cold liquids. That limited things to milkshakes and protein shakes, all of which are sweet. I could feel my stomach eating itself, trying to devour something a little more tangible than shakes. I'm on day four and I've been sipping down mac and cheese and pasta. I still can't chew but at least my stomach is starting to feel a bit fuller. I can't wait until I can chomp on a giant cheeseburger. :)

Remember my post about film? Well, I finally had a chance to drop off my cheap-o film at CVS today. I DO NOT recommend getting your film processed there. The only reason I did was because I was uncertain of whether or not my exposures turned out and I didn't want to shell out the large amount a good photo lab costs. After seeing that all 27 exposures turned out (yay!), I'm ready to move onto the good film and a good photo lab. Below I've scanned a picture...so you can imagine the quality is lacking. Cheap film + crappy photo development + crappy printing + a crappy scanner. The picture looks much better in person but is still lacking in quality and doesn't do my new film camera justice. In fact, the more I look at it, the more I feel like the scanner over-saturated the colors even though I manually input all my scan settings. None the less, there are no touch ups or post processing done to this picture. What you see is what you get and that's what I love about film...it's honest.

As I mentioned, cheap film + cheap development + cheap printing + cheap scanner = injustice to this picture.

Lately...Via Instagram

Our little bug with a mini shopping cart. I LOVED these as a kid...and to
think he is already pushing one. Time flies!

We did a Target run with our good friends the other night. This was
Kaiden and his gf Evee's first Target date.

This was a picture I took for the hubs after my new haircut! Inspired by
many pics on Pinterest, I decided to go for it and get some fringe bangs :)

Handmade Headbands

I learned how to knit last summer while pregnant with Kaiden and now I'm addicted. I stopped when the weather started to warm up but now that it's cooling down around here (or is supposed to be) I decided to dust off the old knitting needles. I started this headband about two days ago and have been working on it off and on. Since I have already gotten requests for some to be made, I've decided to sell them! I will be posting the link to my Etsy shop as soon as they are ready :)

August Update

So I'm going back to school...well, not physically but I'm taking several online courses. I have a vision for this project I keep mentioning (that I do hope to share in the future) and I firmly believe that finishing my degree is something He wants me to do...so much so, that in less than a days time I've been admitted to our local college and accepted into three overbooked classes (some with up to -15 slots!) I'm eligible for a spouses scholarship which would pay for all of my tuition with the exception of books and student fees. Part of me started to worry when I was reminded of how costly books are but then I quickly realized that all of this worked out because He wanted it to. He will provide and He will make it happen. I am curious to see how this semester will play out. This will be my first encounter with online courses and I will have to learn to balance it all out with Ethan, Kaiden, my home life and the occasional photography jobs I have lined up. I know I will be busy and relying on His strength more than ever.

Kaiden is such a ball of fun. I love looking at his old videos and seeing the personality he has now, then. He is now able to hold onto things, let go and stand up by himself for a good 4-5 seconds. His second tooth has finally broken through and although he is slower in the tooth and talking department, he is definitely faster physically. He can palm his bottle and has quite the arm on him. I'm so blessed to have such a bundle of joy in my life and I love that I can spend my day with another little human being.

Ethan and I are waiting to hear back on some other potential job positions in the military. We have been praying long and hard about all of this and have been very active about it all. I wish I could go into more detail but I don't want to jump the gun with anything, as we are still uncertain anything may even happen. If anything, this whole process has taught how to pray, wait, pray even more and wait even longer. I can see how God has used it to refine us and grow us closer together.

One more thing I must share...I've been incredibly encouraged by this woman's blog. Her honest journey and Berean-approach to the Bible is refreshing and has me reading post after post.

Have a wonderful night :)
Dianne

Purpose

Another blog? Really?
I know...I'm terrible. I have so many different websites that I'm sure it's hard to keep up.  I've been in transition with the launch of my JAGOFOTO website and I've long debated whether or not the blog tied to it should contain personal entries. I have a lot of experiences, opinions, thoughts, and prayers that I long to share but I also don't want potential clients to have to sift through hundreds of posts just to view recent work. God has blessed me with many opportunities to reach people through my entries and I really believe He doesn't want me to stop writing, so here is my new blog for all the random things going on in my life. (Praise God, tumblr is a free service and I won't have to pay any additional costs to maintain this site, so it should be here to stay!)

So here's an update...

A lot has happened within recent weeks. I've often prayed "Lord humble me" but with that prayer comes a subconcious fear of the painful refining process. For those of you that know me, I am very passionate about (my job) photography. My aspirations of doing this full time, photographing a wedding abroad and getting published in print are easily made known to all my friends and family. I talk about it constantly. My free time is spent studying and practicing. While there is nothing wrong with these things, I've always known in the back of my mind that it consumed me. It won my heart and daily I found myself battling my role as a mom and a business owner. Often, I sacrificed my family in the name of starting a business without even realizing it. My mind was only with them half the time and I honestly figured that once my business was established, I would have more time for them. This faulty thinking was wrong for so many reasons...

1. I was never called to be the bread winner of our family. There is nothing wrong with a working woman BUT her priorities are first to God, her husband, kids and her household. If she can manage a job after all of that, great! But I was all out of order.

2. God blessed me with a son. Yes, maybe I didn't plan for him but none the less a new role was given to me.

3. Any business owner I've ever known is married to their work...even years after "establishing" themselves. Would I really have more time later? When I really thought about the people I know with their own businesses, I quickly realized I was wouldn't have the luxury of free time.

4. Most all "successful" photographers I admire do not have kids. I went out of my way to personally talk to a certain, successful Christian photographer about having kids and she basically said she wanted them but wasn't ready to because of where she was at in her career. I could see she was torn and struggled with this topic. Especially because I already have Kaiden, I don't want there to even be a struggle in my mind between my career and him.

5. Life is so short. Is my time spent investing in things that have eternal value?

All of this was hard for me to come to grips with. How many nights did I spend praying for clarity and guidance in my business, only to look back and see that God clearly directed me? I just chose to ignore His signs and put them in the back of my mind.

I kid you not, there were people, verses, facebook statuses, messages, even words spoken at the very weddings I was photographing, that all pointed back to the fact that I was neglecting my family. When I realized all of this, oh man, did it humble me. It broke my heart to know that I had given so much of myself to my job and didn't leave much anything left for my husband or son. It tore me apart to look my husband in the eye and admit everything he has been waiting to hear. It embarrassed me to think that something so foolish, consumed me in such a way. Thankfully I have a loving husband that replied with a kiss and thank you. There were no I-told-you-so's or moments where he felt the need to rub it in, it was just a beautiful display of love and forgiveness.

So....what now? Well I'm not giving up photography. God has blessed me with a gift and while there is nothing wrong with having a business, I just have been spending time re-evaluating my priorities, trying to be a wife and mom first. I plan on continuing my business but I'm definitely managing my time much differently. Let me tell you, the guilt that hid in the back of my mind (knowing that I was only giving my husband and son 2nd best) really ate me up inside and now that it's over and done with I feel like a new person. I've really stepped into my role as a mom and I love it more than anything in the world. Matthew 6:21 is brought to mind, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I cannot be the wife and mom I need to be if my mind is set on earthly things. If you happen to think of it, please pray that I would continue to guard my heart and not let the things of this world steal my affection.

PS. For a list of all my websites haha, please click the Link Love page above :)