Success is Hollow.

"Success is a hollow goal."  I read that yesterday and conviction fell upon me. Over the years, I've spent a lot of time wrestling God with the plans I have for myself and the plans He has for me. The more I let go, the easier it gets but there are still days and nights where my earthly desires creep in leaving me unsatisfied.

I love photography but I have to be really careful with it. As weird as it may sound, it is a very consuming job that can easily suck you in if you aren't on guard. The digital era of photography has played a large hand in instant gratification. I take a photo. I quickly edit it. I post it. I get compliments. I feel pride. I want more. I'm always looking to the next shoot. Always hoping for the next publication. Always wanting to keep up with the trends and hoard the best gear. I look at others and compare. I begin to take dry periods personally. If I don't get business, I must be a bad photographer. It's a mix of approval, fame, recognition, false identity, respect, pride, arrogance all wrapped into one ugly ball.  I don't know if other photographers deal with the same heart issues but up until a little after I had Kaiden, this was me and I didn't like the person I had become. I began to realize that the harder I pushed myself the more I lost the part of me that started this job in the first place.

The craziest thing is, when I look at some of the most successful photographers, I see that even they are not satisfied. They still want more. We are all climbing a never ending ladder.

Success is a hollow goal, people. 


Taken from an article I read yesterday . . .

The thing that disturbs me lately is that it seems we've made the goal something else all together. We think the goal [in life] is growing our churches to a certain size or our platforms (pulpits, blogs, books) to a certain fame. How hollow is that? And, how dangerous? Here are a few men who loved our great God and King and were obedient beyond the norm:

• Moses spends his whole life with grumbling whiners and dies without getting to walk into the promised land.
• Samson suicide bombs the Philistines, and when the dust settles, he is dead and the Philistines still rule over Israel.
• One of David's sons rapes his sister and another leads a rebellion against him, dethroning him for a season.
• Jeremiah ends up in exile with the rest of the country after repeatedly getting beaten for preaching what God commanded him to preach.
• John the Baptizer is beheaded by a pervert who gives his head to a 15-year-old stripper.
• Peter is killed, reportedly crucified upside down.
• Paul is killed in Rome but only after he spends his life (with thorn intact) being beaten, rejected, lost at sea, and consistently dealing with people coming in behind him and destroying what he built.

These are some of the Bible's most praised characters and yet their lives didn't reflect the worldly success we view today. Aside from my lame photographer issues, this can be translated into so much more! Do you desire success within your career? your community? even your church? your circle of friends? Who is the audience you are living for? Let me repeat that. Who is the audience you are living for? I've spent so much of my life searching for approval from others. I'm sure I could blame the insecurity on a string of life events, but the fact of the matter is apart from Him I.Am.Nothing. When I view life with an eternal perspective I realize how foolish I was to believe Satan's lie that this earthly success is so important. It is fleeting and it will never satisfy. Tonight was a night that I needed to remind myself this. Every single day I am challenged to keep my eyes on the prize. When I really look at my heart, I am disgusted by what I find but am overwhelmed by the grace God has given me. Photography is a beautiful thing. God has gifted me with an ability to capture life and has blessed me with the tools to do so. I write all this to publicly testify the work He is doing in and through me. With His strength, I refuse to abuse this gift. 

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is , there your heart will be also.  -- Matthew 6:19-21

So whatever you do, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. -- 1 Corinthians 10:31

Security.

Today I texted my mom the following:

Kaiden wants my attention all the time. If I take my eyes off of him, he gets upset. I always have to play by his side, he always wants me to hold him and cuddle and if I step out of the room, it seems as if he fears I will leave him. Is this normal lol? Even when E is holding him he follows me with his eyes. If something funny happens with E, he looks to see if I'm laughing too. I can tell he loves me a ton but I just want to make sure it's ok for him to be this dependent on me.

As I texted this to my mom, I felt bad saying he needs me too much, but a co-worker of E's said something the other day that caught my attention. I was in the office and I walked a few feet away to grab something and Kaiden immediately started crying. E's co worker said something like, "Boy, is he fearful!" It wasn't anything that offended me, it was just a detail (that has been in the back of my mind) brought to my attention. I explained how we have been taking him to endless doctor's appointments and such, but the word fearful really stood out to me. He does act afraid to not be with me.

My mom called me and asked why I was concerned. She explained it's perfectly normal and then she said words that struck my heart. You are his security. I know he loves to sleep with the blanket I knit him and I know he is comforted by drinking his milk, but I am his security. I am the one that protects him, feeds him and puts him to bed every night (and of course my husband too lol). I read him stories, play with him every day, laugh at his little, silly games. I take him everywhere with me and I'm always there when he cries. Hearing my mom re-emphasize all this really put things into perspective for me.

While in the church nursery, Kaiden will cry if he hears the end song being played and we haven't picked him up yet. When we are all sitting on the floor together and playing, he always takes my hand and take's my husband's hands to pull us closer together. If he wants my attention, he hangs around my legs and rubs his head like a little cat. It is clear how much he loves my husband and I and how much he craves our attention. The other day, I found this quote...

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff. (Catherine M. Wallace)


Kaiden may not be talking yet but he eagerly awaits my response when he builds a huge lego tower or when he puts a pillow on his head. He doesn't want me to miss a single detail and while at times it may be difficult for me to always pay attention, I am reminded that these little things are the big things and right now, I am his security.

Wrestling with Self-Pity and Ingratitude

I stumbled across an article by William Farley last night that really highlighted a lot of issues I've been dealing with. It's entitled, "The Poison of Self Pity." This is definitely a must read for any Christian. I think we all easily find ourselves wallowing in self pity and as harmless as it may seem, it is a deep rooted issue that must be recognized and turned over to the cross. Too often we play the role of a victim, which immediately wipes out any remembrance of who we were before Christ, what He did for us and the work He is doing now.

Taken straight from the article,

"The roots of self-pity are 'pride in action'. It is the propensity to feel sorry for yourself because you are not getting what you think you deserve. Self-pity assumes that you deserve good treatment from God and other people. It assumes this because it decrees that you are good, and you are entitled to good. Self pity exposes self-centeredness. The magnifying glass turns inward on you and your problems. It has no energy for God, no interest in the needs of others, no capacity for the outward focus that signals spiritual health and true happiness."

Ouch. If that doesn't take you down a few notches...

"Self-pity is the vacuum into which gratitude cannot enter. In fact, self-pity and thanksgiving cannot coexist. They are mutually exclusive. . . Ultimately, self pity is self-worship and that is what makes it so deadly, so evil. At heart, self pity expresses the idolatry of 'Me, Me, Me.' It demands center stage. It seeks to be worshiped. And it dethrones God." 

The article goes on to explain symptoms of self pity...

• Depression --> "I feel sorry for myself. I'm worn out. I don't have energy for daily activities."
• Envy --> "I want what you have." or "I deserve what you have."
• Jealousy --> "You may take away what I have."
• Anger --> "I'm upset and voicing my self pity."
• Bitterness --> "I'm past anger and now hold a grudge."

The article goes on and on...examining the deep heart issues we all have in more detail. I never realized that self-pity encompassed this wide range of emotions...and I am guilty of so many of them! One thing that I've been really vocal about in my blog entries is my desire for my business to grow. This affects me on a daily basis and is evident because of how much I write about it. It's been this way for several years now. The desire consumes me and I've been trying to figure out how I can move past it, because ultimately I know even if I get what I want, it will not fill what God was meant to. I am genuinely happy for those around me that are successful, but I also wonder why I don't receive the same kind of success. There it is folks...that is envy. I'm basically saying "God, I deserve this. Why can't I have it too? Why isn't this in Your plans? Even though You are all-knowing, I'm pretty sure this is how it should be." I find myself scrambling to make things happen...I take matters into my own hands. And when it doesn't work out, I'm mentally worn out. No wonder I keep falling back into this up and down pattern of contentness and then lack of it. I'm basically shoving my ingratitude in God's face and asking Him for more than what He has already blessed me with. 

This realization is huge for me. It actually goes hand in hand with the study we are doing in Ephesians. The overall theme of this book is grace and for the first time in my life (although I've read it in school many times) I am finally understanding what grace means. 

I am sinful by nature. (Romans 3:23)

The penalty of sin is death. (Romans 6:23)

[Therefore,] I am deserving of death. 

But God, in His great love sent His son to Earth and carried the weight of our sin. (John 3:16)

He took the penalty for us and died on the cross. (Hebrews 10:10-14)

If we choose to accept, we are given the gift of salvation at no cost. (Ephesians 2:8--9)

Every other religion in the world requires you to "do good" and "work" for your salvation, but even our best works are filthy rags. It is by accepting Christ as your Savior that we are given eternal life. That is grace. We are undeserving but He gives it to us anyways. "For by grace you were saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one may boast!" When I have this mindset my excuses for self pity are all worthless. Oh, there is so much more I would love to share but I will leave it here for now. Knowing these simple, yet complex truths is forever changing me and I'm starting to care less and less about what I want (or think I want) in life. It's freeing. It's incredibly humbling. This is the lot I've been given and because of His grace and my understanding of it, I'm grateful more than ever before. 

Hops, Island Life and Broken Cameras.

I’ve been a little absent lately but I have an excuse…I’ve been living on the beautiful island of Oahu for the past few days! E and I decided not to take our Guam trip after all since the chance of us getting a military plane departing Guam was slim. As I mentioned in a previous post, we took a “hop” which is basically the extra seating available on a number of planes transporting military members and goods. The hops are sporadic and you won’t know the schedule until a few days before (nor are you guaranteed a seat), so it’s a bit hard to plan much of anything. You just have to be flexible. Surprisingly, I found flying military air to be much more relaxing that commercial flying. We didn’t have the added stress of driving to the airport, going through crazy security or dealing with the awful looks we get from traveling with a young child. All 65 available seats were taken and more than half of them were filled with kids (…although the workers said they’d never seen that many kids at once before.)

via my instagram

From the beginning of our trip we planned to do Waikiki on a budget. Our hotel is located right in downtown Waikiki BUT because it is a military hotel we pay about 1/3 the cost of all the surrounding hotels. Our only costs are the room, food and the cab we took to get from the base to the hotel. We decided not to rent a car and have been doing most of our traveling by foot. I do wish we could do a little more exploring on the island, but honestly, with Kaiden it is just so hard. He would rather be splashing in the water so it’s just been a series of lazy days for us…I definitely can’t complain.

I’m sure everyone feels this way but I’m serious when I say the island culture is definitely for us. Hawaii has such a friendly, chill atmosphere. This is our second time here and so many of the natives have mistaken us for locals. We were pretty excited when someone asked us what part of Hawaii we are from lol. E grew up on the beach and my Filipino roots naturally make me beach prone. J Did I mention Kaiden is wayyyy tanner than me and he’s been sporting some SPF 50? I’m more Filipino than him…how does that work!?! We put Kaiden on a standup paddle board and right away he went from his belly to standing position and ran across, while on the water! He is only 16 months and already has such a good grip on surfing. I’ve never seen a little kid love water so much. He is seriously fearless. He runs right into the water and actually wants to put his face under. The few times we let him do it, he resurfaced with a huge smile on his face. Let me just say, the best part about this trip is my “I could care less” attitude. I’ve been sporting sundresses and haven’t done a thing to my hair or worn any makeup since I got here. I haven’t even taken pictures. Instead of trying to always capture the moment, I’ve learned to just be in the moment. It’s been nice.

via my instagram

My camera is officially broken by the way. The one night I did bring it out, I set it in the middle of our hotel desk when we got back into the room. Kaiden tugged on the strap somehow and it hit the floor. It wasn’t even that hard of a fall but it was enough to cause a piece of the inside to stay in a position it shouldn’t. I honestly thought I would feel some sort of emotion. E expected me to be upset at Kaiden but I knew it was my fault for not putting it in my bag right away. I really think my reaction to the situation was so calm because of what I’ve been learning from the By His Wounds bible study I’m going through. It’s been talking about having an eternal perspective and using Ephesians to show us the gift we have in our Salvation and how temporal our right now is. When I realized my camera didn’t work I just thought, “It’s my fault. It’s just a material thing. Stuff happens. God provided the camera and He will provide a way to fix it.” Ask anyone that knows me well enough -- that would normally never be my reaction! The Dianne I know would probably get upset at Kaiden and cry over the situation. This study has been such an eye opener and although everyday has me feeling even more humbled (which isn’t easy for me) I’m so encouraged by the deeper understanding of grace I have each day.

via my instagram

Well, I should get back to relaxing. The moment we get home we will have to tackle a laundry list of preparations for moving to Germany. It looks like we will be officially leaving California mid-June. I will be traveling back and forth between Florida, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania in the summer and then off to Germany by November. I leave you with this quote, “Wherever you are, be fully there.”

via my instagram

Self-Condemnation.

Lately it seems I've been wrestling with two words: self condemnation. I am my worst critic and I never realized it until E brought light of it when we first got married. I expect perfection of myself and when I don't reach it, I'm left frustrated. This really began to play into my relationship with Christ when I moved away from the Christian bubble of a college I went to, and began life (somewhat) on my own. I didn't have anyone holding my hand in my Christian walk which led me to question a lot and scoff at my constant failure to achieve some sort of level where I could finally feel like I earned my salvation. God used those moments to teach me humility and learn more of His grace, but I still fall back into old patterns. It's not even just my relationship with Christ...it's things like being a photographer, a blogger or even a mother. My insecurities hang in front of me and my mind tires from the abuse. I feel like the parent that pushes his kid too far...except I'm the parent and the kid.

I found myself in one of those ruts today. Journalling helps so I wrote it out.

I feel uncreative.

I feel inconsistent.

I feel scatter brained.

I feel insignificant.

I feel like I'm not good enough.

I feel frustrated.

And then my mind turned to the problem. I. I. I. I feel. I feel. I feel.

My mind then switched gears and reflected on truths I know about God.

He has blessed me with the opportunity to create.

He is consistent.

He has everything in order.

He gives me significance.

He looks upon me with favor.

He is the giver of peace.

I've linked each of the thoughts about God I listed above to a verse that matches each truth. The "I feel" mindset that leads me to frustration is a mind focused on myself and what others are doing. Instead, my mindset should be set on the blessings He has already poured down on me, my inheritance in the Lord, and the race I am currently running.  When I take my eyes off "the prize" then I get side tracked and my emotions overtake leaving me with a blurred sense of purpose.

I'm pretty sure I'm the one holding myself back. I cannot expect to push forward as an artist (or in any other avenue) when I'm so focused on my weaknesses and what others are doing. My goal for the rest of this month is to stop criticizing myself. stop looking at other's work. stop comparing myself to others. stop spreading myself thin. stop over committing. stop doing what I think others expect of me. live fully in every moment that comes my way. be myself. hold fast to all of His promises. keep my eyes on the prize....

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

The Generosity of a Stranger.

Today I ran to the commissary (base grocery store) to pick up a few items and use the last of our WIC checks (meaning our income level allows us to receive state assistance for Kaiden's food -- an amazing program!) After grabbing the items I needed, I went to the checkout line. I always check out my WIC stuff first, as there are very strict procedures about what you can and can't buy. I didn't grab enough juice and so I had to take Kaiden out of the cart, grab my wallet and run over to the juice aisle to pick up another. That in itself got me flustered. I know what it's like to pick a line because you think it looks short only to find out that the person in front of you "needs a price check" or "forgot something". After the cashier was done ringing up my WIC items, she proceeded to ring up the rest of the groceries. I started to panic because I couldn't find my debit card...I left it at home. I quickly scrambled to see how much cash was in my wallet. $27. The total came up to be $31.05. Immediately, my face turned bright red and I told the cashier "I don't have enough. Can you take something out?" Because I'm such a soft spoken person, she couldn't understand what I said and I had to repeat myself. At that point I felt so embarrassed...I just wanted to forget the groceries and leave. Again, I told her just to take something...anything out. A bagger (on military bases the baggers get tips and that is how they make money) came up to me, pulled out some cash and said "I've got it covered. How much do you need?" I insisted that they just take something out but before anything could be done he placed several $1's down, paid for it and even tipped my bagger. In that moment, I could feel tears bursting through. I tried to spit out a thank you as best as I could. I walked out of the store with so many emotions. Embarrassment. Gratitude. Pride. Gratefulness. Humility. I'm sure all of this sounds like it wasn't that big of a deal but I specifically go out of my way to make sure that I'm never in a position of embarrassment. I've never been in a place where I wasn't able to afford something, and if we can't afford it, we don't buy it. As I pushed back the tears and thanked God for sending that man, I realized my pride issue. I also realized that this is how the body of Christ is called to act. This complete stranger had no idea who I am and could have just as easily let me return something, but was willing to cover the cost before he even realized how much it was. It was a beautiful display of compassion, generosity, and love. God freely gives to us and we should freely give to others. I don't know if this man was a Believer or not, but the prompting he had to spare a few dollars (dollars which normally don't seem that much most of the time) meant the world to me and taught me a great lesson about God, the Church and myself.

Less of Me.

God is ultimate. My desires. wants. needs. wishes. are not.

God is all knowing and purposeful. I am given my roles for a reason. Where we live is no mistake. Who I run into is no mistake. Everything is given life and with that life comes purpose...serving to bring forward His perfect plan.

Everyone needs compassion. I am equally in need of a Savior as the next person. 

My good deeds don't gain salvation. 

There are no brownie points for authenticity or an admission of weakness. God praises humility that is transformed to repentance which brings change.

My identity is not found in my roles as a wife, mom, photographer or anything else. My sole purpose in being created is to serve Him and fulfill His plan for my life which can happen through my roles.

Pointing fingers at a church body or church group serves to benefit only one person, and that is not God. Instead, we should work together to build up the church and not destroy it from the inside.

Our Christian walk is not about the journey or the experience, but rather the purpose and the prize.

Our culture has a serious problem with self-promotion and narcissism. The enemy can, has and is using this to take our eyes off Him and point it back to ourselves.

People choose to be ignorant because they don't want to sacrifice or change.

The path is narrow.

Thoughts On This Upcoming Election

E and I just started reading through the book of Isaiah. I honestly didn't approach it with much excitement because for some reason anything Old Testament just sounds...well, old lol. None the less, I'm only in the third chapter and I find it so interesting. (Side note: We both use the ESV study Bible and I am soooo grateful for it. The commentary gives the historical background and explains the purpose of the book so you're not left in the dark when you read references to a person or a people, etc. If you are frustrated with reading your Bible, PLEASE pick this up!)

Anyways, today I read chapter 3 and immediately thought about the upcoming elections. Yesterday I left off on the verse found in Isaiah Chapter 2:

Vs 3. "Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?" 

It's very easy to look to man, whether it be our pastor, our parents our political leaders or even our spouse. I'm sure all of us have put stock in some sort of human being and quickly found ourselves let down by their failures. We are all equally human, all equally inadequate and all equally incapable of replacing the glory of God.

Chapter 3 goes on to talk about all that God can take away (both support and supply). He lists them here:

Vs 1-4. "For behold, the Lord God of hosts is taking away from Jerusalem and from Judah support and supply, all support of bread and all support of water; the mighty man and the soldier, the judge and the prophet, the diviner and the elder, the captain of fifty and the man of rank, the counselor and the skillful magician and the expert in charms. And I will make boys their princes and infants shall rule over them." 

Basically, God is saying that He is going to take away everything these people have depended on or held in high regard and that was only a tiny display of His power. He judged his people by removing the leaders who were considered irreplaceable and replaced them with "boys and infants."

Verse 8 goes on to say...

"For Jerusalem has stumbled, and Judah has fallen, because their speech and their deeds are against the Lord, defying his glorious presence."

The commentary from the ESV Bible explains this best,

The explanation for the nation's social collapse lies in their hostility toward God -- defying his glorious presence. They obstinately disregard God's presence in their midst, though his nearness is the hope they ought to cherish. 

Please keep in mind, these passages are setting us up for the coming of Christ. We are not left hopeless. I write all this to say that during this upcoming election time, we should not stress over who becomes our leader. There is no point in worrying. I do think it's our duty to vote and make people aware of the different stances each political figure takes, but ultimately our faith should not be placed in any one man. The reason for our nation's problems is because our eyes (as a whole) have been taken off the Lord. Like the Israelite nation, we are defying His glorious presence. There needs to be a change of heart in our people before there is ever any real change in our country.

Both E and I are not ones to talk on politics, but after reading this today and recently having a conversation with someone on this matter, I think it's an important reminder. We still should pray for our future leaders and current leaders. If God has the power to work in your life and mine, then there is no exception why He can't work in our leaders. We must also remember that He set the world in motion and allows all things to happen so that His plan may be fulfilled. This is not the first time in history that we have had an economic collapse and it may not be the last. Our response to all this is first doing our part by dying to self daily and always clinging to the promise of hope.

How Will You Choose to Use Your 2012?

Today is the beginning of a New Year. It is a reminder of how fast last year went and serves as an example of how our life truly is a vapor. This morning our pastor said something that really struck me. He said "God has given to us a bank of time and we withdraw from it every year." He gave an example...if we only have $10, it is likely we will spend it carefully. But if we have unlimited funds, our use of money may not be as careful. In the same regard, our use of time is so important.  Each day is a gift of grace and we are certainly not promised tomorrow.

I like to talk my problems out. Yesterday I started pouring out different struggles to E and as I voiced my pity party, I realized my biggest issue. I'd spent the last month or two trying to "fit in" and "feel comfortable." I love the thought of our home in perfect order, a problem-free marriage, a handful of friends and a perfect life, but the gaping hole I had been trying to fill with all these imperfect things (once again) just didn't cut it. While God has blessed me with different roles, I cannot forget my ultimate purpose here on earth is for Him alone. 

This morning's message added on to everything God had revealed to me yesterday. How did I spend the last 365 days? More importantly, how am I going to spend the next 366? (It's leap year ;) ) Will I spend my time on selfish desires or unfulfilling avenues, or will I live day to day seeking to bring God glory in everything He asks of me? Both mindsets will bring completely different decisions in our day to day living. 

This is something that I felt convicted about and had to share. My prayer for you is that you use your time wisely this new year, allowing the Holy Spirit to work in and through you.

Happy New Years,

Dianne

23.

By 20, I was married.
By 21, a home and small business owner.
By 22, a mom.
The numbers 2 and 3 have rolled around and it makes me wonder what God has in store for me this year.

I used to be one that would parade around the school and let everyone know it was my special day, but as I grow older I've realized how every.single.day. is a celebration of life. Each day we are given is a gift. 23 may seem young to some but so far it has been an incredible journey of discovering much about myself and even more about our loving God. My understanding of Him is limited but even still, I find myself in awestruck wonder. It's amazing how He has orchestrated different events throughout the 23 years of my life...how He has brought me to and through certain trials...how He has blessed me immensely with my husband, son, family and some close friends. Most importantly, I find myself grateful for the love and forgiveness that comes from TRULY knowing him...

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I am thankful for yet another day and pray that I will have many more to be used by Him and to show His love.

A picture of a picture from my baby book.

I Am New

Words cannot express how much this song summarizes what God has been teaching me these past few years. Every last word describes what I've been learning.

Now I won't deny
The worst you could say about me
But I'm not defined
By mistakes that I've made
Because God says of me

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I'm dearly loved
I am new

Who I thought I was
And who I thought I had to be
I had to give them both up
Cause neither were willing
To ever believe

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I'm dearly loved
I am new

Too long I have lived
In the shadows of shame
Believing that there
Was no way I could change
But the one who is making everything new
Doesn't see me the way that I do
He doesn't see me the way that I do

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I'm dearly loved
I am new

I am not who I was
I am being remade, I am new
Dead to the old man, I'm coming alive
I am new

Forgiven beloved
Hidden in Christ
Made in the image of the Giver of Life
Righteous and holy
Reborn and remade
Accepted and worthy, this is our new name

This is who we are now...

The Struggle.

My mind struggles with what I know (head-knowledge) about who I am in Christ and what I've grown up with. From the beginning of our human understanding, we are taught that if we do good, then we get a gold star, a good grade or a pat on the back. When we are bad, we are punished. This system works for a world that would otherwise be chaos but it is so far from the way our relationship with Christ works. The difference between (authentic) Christianity and every other world religion is that we don't have to work to gain entrance into heaven. It is by faith alone that we are saved, which results in a desire to change. The problem is we are still living in a sin-tainted world where our fleshly desires battle our desire to be more like Christ.

My problem is that I grew up going to schools and churches that (silently) applauded the outward appearance. If you looked like a Christian or did Christian things, there was no room for concern. Now that I've moved away, experienced different churches and most importantly searched the Word for truth, I've discovered I must break out of this mindset. By living with an "I feel like I'm a good Christian because I look, do it or act it" mindset I'm holding myself back from a true understanding of what Christ did for us (which results in an even deeper walk).  It's just such a battle. At times I still feel like a bad Christian if I don't do this or that...just like a girl who grows up with high expectations of her school feels bad if she doesn't perform well in any other situation. It's been engrained in me and I so badly want to break free of it...

And of course, God led me to the right verse at the right time >>

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galations 5:1

I am free.

Thorn.

". . . a thorn was given me in the flesh . . .Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7b-9

Because I grew up in the church and went to a private high school, it's easy for me to look past the familiar words I've heard over and over again. I can recite it to you but it's nothing more than memorization...there isn't thought or meaning behind it. So today, when I came across this verse I had to fight my autopilot and actually stop to read what it means.

A thorn was given me in the flesh. What's your thorn? 

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Our weakness is the earthly platform for which God's power is displayed. 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Because of knowing that we can be used through God in times of weakness, I will boast in the fact that Christ's power is within us.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I will endure trials for the cause of Christ.


I have a thorn that battles with me on a daily basis. I've questioned God so many times, asking Him why he would allow this to occur and I've never understood until now. I hate (SO much) this thorn but through it I find myself drawing close to Him. I find myself not relying on Dianne's strength but my Father's. I find myself crying my eyes out but feeling comforted by knowing He is always there. If this is for the cause of Christ, than in my tiny understanding of this all, I am thankful.


I'm being vague for a reason. I hope one day I have the guts to share.


61\\ thorns.

To Pray.

I haven't prayed like that in a long time. Face down. Tears streaming. Full force of conviction behind my words.

I pleaded for forgiveness on so many accounts. (Pride. Bitterness. Selfishness. Laziness.) 

I thanked Him for the constant outpouring of His blessing. (Amazing husband. Beautiful son. Wonderful church.)

I broke down as He uncovered so many layers of hurt buried in my heart. (Disappointment. Sorrow. Frustration.)

I praised Him for who He is. (Constant. Great. Protector. Provider.) 

Perhaps I've always lacked faith in my prayer.

Perhaps I've always trusted in myself for everything.

But tonight I was reminded of the overwhelming peace prayer brings.

This is what it means to pray.

This is what it means to commune with our Maker.

This is how a relationship with Him was intended to be.

Please link back here if you use this :)

Because of His Grace

“The reason we are not always under pressure is because of the grace of God. The fact is that all of life truly would be a day of evil—and much worse!—if not for the grace and goodness of a loving God. He continually operates to restrain the powers that war against us and to allow times of refreshment, recreation, enjoyment, and blessing. It is tragic that we so often take these times of refreshment for granted, enjoying them without of single thought for the goodness of God which makes them possible. Instead of giving thanks to God for those times of refreshment, we feel entitled to God’s blessing, and we are quick to complain that God is unfair when life doesn’t go according to our expectations.” 

- Ray Stedman reblogged from becomingone

Beautiful

I read this in my devotions the other day…the whole verse says:

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious."

Just to clarify...some people take this verse literally and they actually don’t wear jewelry. If we weren’t supposed to wear jewelry then we also shouldn’t braid our hair or (as the verse says) wear clothes for that matter! Oh my…what a thought lol. The central point of the first part is that a woman’s outlook on beauty should not be external —> “Do not let your adorning be exernal.“ But instead, our adorning should be internal - notably a gentle and quiet spirit. This really struck a chord with me because as a female living in a very materialistic country, I see how easy it is to get caught up with trends and trying to fit in to our world’s definition of “beautiful” There is clearly nothing wrong with shopping - I love me a (fashionable) bargain - but true, unfading beauty is found on the inside. True beauty is precious, valued, treasured, priceless, adored by God.

The Struggle

My heart hurts. There are a laundry list of things going on in my life and it's all finally started to pile up. Some burdens directly affect me and some are just things I wish I had the power to change. I'm reminded of the verse "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." This is yet another instance where God is teaching me what it means to have a DAILY dependence on Him. As E reminded me yesterday, this world is not our home. We can get married, buy a house, make it comfortable, make friends but ultimately we are nothing more than a puzzle piece trying to force ourselves into a spot that doesn't fit. I am reminded that there will always be something more our flesh wants. Old problems will resurface. New problems are created. The medical problems, family/friend drama, gossip, hurt feelings, unfulfilled desires and exhaustion are all reminders of our imperfect world. Ultimately all of this points back to God and brings Him glory in ways my human mind can't even comprehend, but until I meet Him face to face I will continue to push the struggle. Because the struggle is a means of growing closer to Him and knowing Him more. I must remember that the aching of my heart only points back to a deeper aching of my need for a Savior. I must trust that His plan is perfect and it's not up to me what is thrown my way, but it is up to me to decide how I will react to it all.

... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

Purpose

Another blog? Really?
I know...I'm terrible. I have so many different websites that I'm sure it's hard to keep up.  I've been in transition with the launch of my JAGOFOTO website and I've long debated whether or not the blog tied to it should contain personal entries. I have a lot of experiences, opinions, thoughts, and prayers that I long to share but I also don't want potential clients to have to sift through hundreds of posts just to view recent work. God has blessed me with many opportunities to reach people through my entries and I really believe He doesn't want me to stop writing, so here is my new blog for all the random things going on in my life. (Praise God, tumblr is a free service and I won't have to pay any additional costs to maintain this site, so it should be here to stay!)

So here's an update...

A lot has happened within recent weeks. I've often prayed "Lord humble me" but with that prayer comes a subconcious fear of the painful refining process. For those of you that know me, I am very passionate about (my job) photography. My aspirations of doing this full time, photographing a wedding abroad and getting published in print are easily made known to all my friends and family. I talk about it constantly. My free time is spent studying and practicing. While there is nothing wrong with these things, I've always known in the back of my mind that it consumed me. It won my heart and daily I found myself battling my role as a mom and a business owner. Often, I sacrificed my family in the name of starting a business without even realizing it. My mind was only with them half the time and I honestly figured that once my business was established, I would have more time for them. This faulty thinking was wrong for so many reasons...

1. I was never called to be the bread winner of our family. There is nothing wrong with a working woman BUT her priorities are first to God, her husband, kids and her household. If she can manage a job after all of that, great! But I was all out of order.

2. God blessed me with a son. Yes, maybe I didn't plan for him but none the less a new role was given to me.

3. Any business owner I've ever known is married to their work...even years after "establishing" themselves. Would I really have more time later? When I really thought about the people I know with their own businesses, I quickly realized I was wouldn't have the luxury of free time.

4. Most all "successful" photographers I admire do not have kids. I went out of my way to personally talk to a certain, successful Christian photographer about having kids and she basically said she wanted them but wasn't ready to because of where she was at in her career. I could see she was torn and struggled with this topic. Especially because I already have Kaiden, I don't want there to even be a struggle in my mind between my career and him.

5. Life is so short. Is my time spent investing in things that have eternal value?

All of this was hard for me to come to grips with. How many nights did I spend praying for clarity and guidance in my business, only to look back and see that God clearly directed me? I just chose to ignore His signs and put them in the back of my mind.

I kid you not, there were people, verses, facebook statuses, messages, even words spoken at the very weddings I was photographing, that all pointed back to the fact that I was neglecting my family. When I realized all of this, oh man, did it humble me. It broke my heart to know that I had given so much of myself to my job and didn't leave much anything left for my husband or son. It tore me apart to look my husband in the eye and admit everything he has been waiting to hear. It embarrassed me to think that something so foolish, consumed me in such a way. Thankfully I have a loving husband that replied with a kiss and thank you. There were no I-told-you-so's or moments where he felt the need to rub it in, it was just a beautiful display of love and forgiveness.

So....what now? Well I'm not giving up photography. God has blessed me with a gift and while there is nothing wrong with having a business, I just have been spending time re-evaluating my priorities, trying to be a wife and mom first. I plan on continuing my business but I'm definitely managing my time much differently. Let me tell you, the guilt that hid in the back of my mind (knowing that I was only giving my husband and son 2nd best) really ate me up inside and now that it's over and done with I feel like a new person. I've really stepped into my role as a mom and I love it more than anything in the world. Matthew 6:21 is brought to mind, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I cannot be the wife and mom I need to be if my mind is set on earthly things. If you happen to think of it, please pray that I would continue to guard my heart and not let the things of this world steal my affection.

PS. For a list of all my websites haha, please click the Link Love page above :)