Self-Condemnation.

Lately it seems I've been wrestling with two words: self condemnation. I am my worst critic and I never realized it until E brought light of it when we first got married. I expect perfection of myself and when I don't reach it, I'm left frustrated. This really began to play into my relationship with Christ when I moved away from the Christian bubble of a college I went to, and began life (somewhat) on my own. I didn't have anyone holding my hand in my Christian walk which led me to question a lot and scoff at my constant failure to achieve some sort of level where I could finally feel like I earned my salvation. God used those moments to teach me humility and learn more of His grace, but I still fall back into old patterns. It's not even just my relationship with Christ...it's things like being a photographer, a blogger or even a mother. My insecurities hang in front of me and my mind tires from the abuse. I feel like the parent that pushes his kid too far...except I'm the parent and the kid.

I found myself in one of those ruts today. Journalling helps so I wrote it out.

I feel uncreative.

I feel inconsistent.

I feel scatter brained.

I feel insignificant.

I feel like I'm not good enough.

I feel frustrated.

And then my mind turned to the problem. I. I. I. I feel. I feel. I feel.

My mind then switched gears and reflected on truths I know about God.

He has blessed me with the opportunity to create.

He is consistent.

He has everything in order.

He gives me significance.

He looks upon me with favor.

He is the giver of peace.

I've linked each of the thoughts about God I listed above to a verse that matches each truth. The "I feel" mindset that leads me to frustration is a mind focused on myself and what others are doing. Instead, my mindset should be set on the blessings He has already poured down on me, my inheritance in the Lord, and the race I am currently running.  When I take my eyes off "the prize" then I get side tracked and my emotions overtake leaving me with a blurred sense of purpose.

I'm pretty sure I'm the one holding myself back. I cannot expect to push forward as an artist (or in any other avenue) when I'm so focused on my weaknesses and what others are doing. My goal for the rest of this month is to stop criticizing myself. stop looking at other's work. stop comparing myself to others. stop spreading myself thin. stop over committing. stop doing what I think others expect of me. live fully in every moment that comes my way. be myself. hold fast to all of His promises. keep my eyes on the prize....

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14