Discontent.

I struggle with writing transparent entries. They make me feel vulnerable and the pride in me doesn't want to admit that I am a complex person with deep-rooted issues. I am blessed with good health, a roof over my head, a wonderful family and more, but I struggle with a mind that over-thinks. I am constantly analyzing everything that my mind takes in and it gets extremely tiring. The other day I was telling E how I'm tired of dancing back and forth between plans. My focus has always been on the direction my photography business is heading and lately that seems to be magnified. I go at it in spurts. There are periods where I barely pick up my camera. And then there are periods where I'm hitting it heavy...redoing my website, networking, etc etc. Why can't I seem to make up my mind? How is it that one day I can be completely fine with little business and than the next be so enthralled at the idea of taking on more? What happens when I do get what I want? Will it be enough? Do "successful" photographers ever reach a point where they are satisfied in all they have accomplished? Or is this a never ending ladder of "success"? And there goes my mind...when will the up and down rocking of this boat stop? I think about it so much that my mind gets lost in what I have planned vs. what God has planned. For what seems a long time, I have been praying that God's will be done but I have a hard time discerning if He wants me to put feet to my prayers and at what line those feet stop. This is the issue. My mind gets in the way and I get lost.

This past weekend I picked up a book called 1,000 gifts. It highlights the author's discontent in a busy, busy world. I can relate. I'm always wanting more. Always wishing. Always focusing on what's going to happen next and forgetting to live in the today. I can honestly admit that earlier in Kaiden's life there are moments that seem a blur because I was so focused on the future that I forgot to enjoy the present. The author talked about slowing down. Taking life in. Taking each moment in. I have forgotten how to do this. I had forgotten how to savor today...or perhaps I had never known how. As I read these things, the words on her pages spoke straight to my heart and when realized this, I stopped. The thoughts stopped. And then Kaiden woke up from his nap. I felt upset. He hadn't slept as long as normal and our curious dog pushed open his door to check on him. Sometimes he can settle himself but when she does this he can't fall back asleep. I marched outside and vented my frustrations to E as if him and the freshly mowed lawn could do something about it. I went back into Kaiden's room, looked into his tear-filled eyes and realized that this wasn't one of those times he could just cry it out. He needed mom. He needed me. I held him in my arms and sat back in the rocking chair. Back and forth. Back and forth. We swayed to the soothing lullabies floating from his radio. His big blue eyes didn't roll back as expected but instead looked into mine with wonder. I realized in that moment that this is what I've been missing. This is what the author was speaking of. Instead of me focusing on how to get him back to sleep so I can continue my book, I needed to focus on the here and now. And the here and now was his little fingers wrapped around my arm. His gentle feet tucked around my waist. His sweet little sighs of contentment. It was in that moment, I found myself content...filled with gratitude at all the Lord has blessed me with. Time slowed. Worries at rest.

I don't know what plans God has for me. I'm still taking each day by day wondering if the photography business is something I am called to do, but for now, I'm practicing.learning.trying. to take every moment as it comes my way. Today is a gift and today this is what I've been given. The thoughts stop here and my faith must be placed into action.