Purpose

Another blog? Really?
I know...I'm terrible. I have so many different websites that I'm sure it's hard to keep up.  I've been in transition with the launch of my JAGOFOTO website and I've long debated whether or not the blog tied to it should contain personal entries. I have a lot of experiences, opinions, thoughts, and prayers that I long to share but I also don't want potential clients to have to sift through hundreds of posts just to view recent work. God has blessed me with many opportunities to reach people through my entries and I really believe He doesn't want me to stop writing, so here is my new blog for all the random things going on in my life. (Praise God, tumblr is a free service and I won't have to pay any additional costs to maintain this site, so it should be here to stay!)

So here's an update...

A lot has happened within recent weeks. I've often prayed "Lord humble me" but with that prayer comes a subconcious fear of the painful refining process. For those of you that know me, I am very passionate about (my job) photography. My aspirations of doing this full time, photographing a wedding abroad and getting published in print are easily made known to all my friends and family. I talk about it constantly. My free time is spent studying and practicing. While there is nothing wrong with these things, I've always known in the back of my mind that it consumed me. It won my heart and daily I found myself battling my role as a mom and a business owner. Often, I sacrificed my family in the name of starting a business without even realizing it. My mind was only with them half the time and I honestly figured that once my business was established, I would have more time for them. This faulty thinking was wrong for so many reasons...

1. I was never called to be the bread winner of our family. There is nothing wrong with a working woman BUT her priorities are first to God, her husband, kids and her household. If she can manage a job after all of that, great! But I was all out of order.

2. God blessed me with a son. Yes, maybe I didn't plan for him but none the less a new role was given to me.

3. Any business owner I've ever known is married to their work...even years after "establishing" themselves. Would I really have more time later? When I really thought about the people I know with their own businesses, I quickly realized I was wouldn't have the luxury of free time.

4. Most all "successful" photographers I admire do not have kids. I went out of my way to personally talk to a certain, successful Christian photographer about having kids and she basically said she wanted them but wasn't ready to because of where she was at in her career. I could see she was torn and struggled with this topic. Especially because I already have Kaiden, I don't want there to even be a struggle in my mind between my career and him.

5. Life is so short. Is my time spent investing in things that have eternal value?

All of this was hard for me to come to grips with. How many nights did I spend praying for clarity and guidance in my business, only to look back and see that God clearly directed me? I just chose to ignore His signs and put them in the back of my mind.

I kid you not, there were people, verses, facebook statuses, messages, even words spoken at the very weddings I was photographing, that all pointed back to the fact that I was neglecting my family. When I realized all of this, oh man, did it humble me. It broke my heart to know that I had given so much of myself to my job and didn't leave much anything left for my husband or son. It tore me apart to look my husband in the eye and admit everything he has been waiting to hear. It embarrassed me to think that something so foolish, consumed me in such a way. Thankfully I have a loving husband that replied with a kiss and thank you. There were no I-told-you-so's or moments where he felt the need to rub it in, it was just a beautiful display of love and forgiveness.

So....what now? Well I'm not giving up photography. God has blessed me with a gift and while there is nothing wrong with having a business, I just have been spending time re-evaluating my priorities, trying to be a wife and mom first. I plan on continuing my business but I'm definitely managing my time much differently. Let me tell you, the guilt that hid in the back of my mind (knowing that I was only giving my husband and son 2nd best) really ate me up inside and now that it's over and done with I feel like a new person. I've really stepped into my role as a mom and I love it more than anything in the world. Matthew 6:21 is brought to mind, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I cannot be the wife and mom I need to be if my mind is set on earthly things. If you happen to think of it, please pray that I would continue to guard my heart and not let the things of this world steal my affection.

PS. For a list of all my websites haha, please click the Link Love page above :)